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Jakarta, December 2009

so, I write this with expectation that soon I'll get bored enough so I can go to bed.

last night, I went with this so-called "Lula" friends that was actually my having-fun-go-mad friends.

we made a late-Christmas-dinner in a restaurant named The Apartment, which located in Kuningan.

so here's how the story goes.

we had planned for this dinner like weeks before we even finish our last semester. we were to excited to make this gorgeous dinner happen. we planned this and that and get stuffed with our own imagination. but the thing is, before all the thing happen as we planned, Jason must go to Japan, which reducing 1 personnel from what we have planned. also Genta still in the.. hmm middle of Java, so he can't join this dinner.

8 people it is. me, boncel, petra, ajeng, dita, iprit, je, and rahmi.

i went with boncel as he was the driver to the so called - police everywhere road- we must go by.
i went to his place like before 7 pm, and arrived more and less 7 oclock , and we went straight to kuningan , which i thought would be jammed , but happened to be very smooth and we arrived like 15 minutes afterward.

still got 45 minutes to get by because the reservation was on 8. so we spend the minutes in the car, which he was singing our theme song for the day, VIERA -RASA INI , which not included to one of my favorite song, but he seemed like it after all -_-. oia, we spend almost more than 10 minutes to parked my car. he was a good driver, but maybe he got a nervous break down , he seemed like couldn't find a perfect fit to park my car. haha that was funny thou. he got my nerves too. i was afraid he would crash my car. haha no i believe in you dad. hahaha

so, we.. actually only he, sang those Indonesian songs played by the radio while we waited the others to come. finally dita iprit and ajeng came and we entered the restaurant.

checked on the menu, goshh.. it was soo expensive, thank God that i've already eat somehow before i went there because i must took my medicine before to late, so i only ordered Cafe latte, which i thought 25bucks would be more than enough ( i didn't think about the taxes which in the end surprisingly making me desperate)

and boncel, asked to company him to grab some coffe, outside the building, which the price was way on the contrary , cheaper. hahaha
so we went outside, leaving the girls behind while they were chatting on something and bla bla bla

then petra came, also je and rahmi, which arrived like a half hour later, and we started to order the foods.

after that, we kinda,, hmm felt like we were meant to order a bottle of.. wine. yea, red wine, which i don't know why do i say yes in the first place. now i have to stay at home for several days cos i've used all of this week money . hmm
but it was good. we had cheers to the prospect of our new year, and we chit chat like we don't care about the time. and when the time for the last order had come, time to pay the bill and leave this expensive place. but again, it was so fun to have this "dinner". we should do this again.

the guys wanted to move our butt to somewhere else, so we went to 7/11 , which i really intended to go to, i craved for slurpee this several days, and boncel want to grab a hot dog ( which i promoted with persuasive words ), so the guys also were coming with us, but me and dad got the wrong turn , we passed the first turn so we went to a longer road before we reach 7/11. man, i don't really know kuningan street, i hate to drive there.

we got to 7/11, i bought slurpee, and the others bought their snack, we met several old friends, we chat, they smoked, and after that one by one gone to their house.

my duty to drop je and boncel home, so after that, i got home by 1 am, well, more then that i guess.

this day was quite fun. no extraordinary things, but gather after not seeing 1 week after seeing each day in bandung was really something that we were look forward to do, so.. this was it.

now, its 2.33, and i haven't feel sleepy yet. i bet someone who said "gw blom ngantuk kayanya gw nonton dvd dulu" already had gone sleep like a beauty baby there. haha he didn't reply my sms which i need the reply soon.

well, enough for talking crap..

still, all of my posts will be ended by a sweet closing

"yesterday we were like a north and south pole , we were attracted one to each other. tomorrow, or even today, some of us will or have broken that we actually now rejecting one to each other. but somehow, what happened in the reality wasn't what we meant in our mind, heart and dream. sleep tight love ones and we will get through everything . Night, see you in the next scrap of my life stories."


you can throw your love and care not just to the people you love

see and blend to people around you

and you'll find peace


i felt insecure to stay alive with no man to depend on. i used to, but not anymore.

i'm not a believer in relationship thingy, but i would like , somehow, to have one.

someone said something that i've already knew

"what are we looking for maybe not what are we needed for"

it is true

i don't know what i needed

i only see what i have figured in my mind.

and it is hard to take it off


well, this is about what i just saw from people i finally meet after months and years haven't reunited.

so, today i went out to meet Cynthia, my bestfriend that lives in Canada for her study. she was home for Christmas, New year, and her birthday in January.

first plan was we, mayu and friends, were going to her house like in the afternoon, but in the morning, she texted me and told me she's going to be out of her house doing stuffs and asked us to meet her up somewhere near where she went. i was free all day so i just waited her to request and pick the place.

hours went by, and finally she asked me out to PIM. i thought it was just going to be me and her time, but i found that Jovinto, and Jordy was already there. friends from the elementary and junior highschool. ow how much i miss'em.

also Brevi came , oh Alex did stop by and chatted for a bit , they were my bestfriends, to bad i can't keep my relation to them, my bad

and so on and on, we chat , laugh like a happy group talking shits and things, memorizing every event happened back there, talk about our life now and then, some talked about their serious relationship with their partners, man, i wonder i still have none, that was sad. haha

and actually, i had a kind of deal with one of them. it was a long story to tell, but yea, i was mean to him and, i never said i'm sorry for what i've done to him. it hurts to remember and thinking from his side of view. i was a bad person back then. ( and actually i did it several times)
so, it might be my karma

and from what i have seen, i realized. man, i wasted a lot of good guys.
i can see how they've become an attractive one, with their own girls, which if i'm not that bad, that cruel, i might be one of them. i might have that sweet lovers, hugging, loving and caring with that huge love they have. but unfortunately, i am what i am, i guess it wont work that well for me.

what makes me regret not having him as mine was, he was totally turning to my type.
he's tall
he's white
he plays instrument
he sings
he has a good style
he's Javanese
he's a long dark hair ( wavy one )
and he's a Catholic

but still. he was not what i need for

Good Lord, hand me one, please

and so, the time passed by, we have to say good night to each other
its a hard time to go when you feel a great time , while you have it like once in a month

well, we will meet eventually , in a short ways, it still a holiday thou

Happy holiday everyone, may you guys have a good memories in this holly jolly days


you think of your self as the worst miserable person ever alive these days

you walk through the day with heavy thoughts and scream out loud with no one listening

you scream inside your heart.

you were tired with all the things surrounding

you saw you listened you moved you stopped

you care and be cared of

but still you unsatisfied.

you build a lot of armies companying every single move

they follow the order

they protect you

appear and disappear as you told them to go or to be there

still, you get even more crankier

been loved by a thousand person

all you have to do is pick one and do one

still, you ask , why nobody likes me?

you search for something good

you describe the exact personality

you picture the condition and situation

but you don't realize that she was there

you have a lot of things to condemn

but you say yes with all of your big lovely smile

your heart stumped for a revolution

the most lovable person i know alive

things get more cheesy as the time past by

they come and go to take you and separate you

i know, it's your life

you just say something pleasant , flattering me high around

stupidly, i reject you by my words.
it's my biggest looser


I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?



you learn that you will lose something that you thought it won't happen even thou many bad things happened.

but it did happen.

so all you can do just take it easily.

i won't grieve

it's just an experience.


hands clean - alanis morissette

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
actually i can't sleep and i keep surfing and browsing and reading people's blog.

i wonder , they had such wonderful stories, why can't i have it?

anyway, i was just arrived from bandung, actually, i arrived at 12 pm, but then i went for awhile with jason , we grab something to eat, and then we went to odonk's office. it's kinda weird to call it as a office, because it didn't seem like it.

a house, full of crap. thats what i'd like to call it.

there were latif, dimi, odonk , and somad, lying down on the floor, smiling and laughing.

just by the time i went in , it such a warm comforting air blew trough me. i love this air. the air of familiar comforting , welcoming sound and i just miss it so much.

we talk, we laugh, we memorize all the thing we have missed. we've separated to long, we didn't hold to each other for about a year, gees, where have i been?

we hug, we lean, we trade every single missing stories. we drink, we smoke, we get drunk, we were being our self

why can't i have it in bandung ?

so much people i met, none of it being my truly family as i have them.
1 person , i thought i have, but the truth tell the opposite site of it.
nothing will change me like this have. unfortunately, it was way to far from what i've thought.

now i have this insomnia, but i have to wake in the morning. i got to practice for sunday's audition. gosh, i need to get my self commit to what i choose.

well, love makes you stupid, love makes you doomed.

but it is what human needs, i think soon i'm going to be normal

honestly for dedicated person

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it.
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder,
or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble, I understand if you
Can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet, which I'm sure we will
All that was there, will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on...

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be


i don't exactly know what was happening today. it just felt like, i pass this day with lost of grievance , and actually i was the one who keep grieving. i felt lost, losing, it didn't go so well.
start with this morning, when i realize, my face is so ugly, i can't see any life in it, somehow it looked like im a living zombie, well, it was felt when i look deeply in the mirror.
second, i went to the class, just by the time i arrived, and i sat on the chair, i almost spent the lecturing hour with sleeping. gosh, i felt terrible, why did i always feel so much sleepy this recent days?
third, i made my self clear that i need to eat, because my body started to fight the way i reduce my daily meal, whats wrong with me anyway?
okay, this happened a lot before, and basically i don't intent to change this habit, yet.
and then things happened as i wasn't expected any of that, making me feel so much worse, i got this bad mood came in sudden and pull me out from the fun as i had the day before.

after that, i just felt tired with anything i saw, and anything i did just felt so weird and so wrong.

finally, this night, i was doing a little help for my friend , which end up making me even worse, it makes me sad, it complete the bad time i had for this day. i cried, i mad, i cursed a lot.

now, i need to sleep. since i don't have any support from the person i used to hoping to give, i must stand on my own as i had years before.

independence, i guess its the only thing would make me live.

night. big day tomorrow, i need to use all of my strength. hope it'll be useful


because you're totally unknown, and your life seems like a sky, you flew and blew you never stop

you jump you fall

you risk

you torture

you are who you are

no matter happened, mind never lies, lets just put our life fast forward to other part


how if you find out a secret that totally ruined your day, your heart, your life, but you are sure that it wasn't true, but you didn't know how to find it out. what would you do? what would you try to do ?

how if you feel like you know someone, you feel like you know her/him like a lifetime, even thou you only know her/him like only from yesterday, and you fall for her/him but you didn't sure how to show it because you took a wrong action from the first time. what would you do? how would you tell it?

how if the person you loved dump you because he/she so much care about you but you didn't look like you care and you just ruined your own image until you found out that they tired and even hated you but he/she didn't tell you about what he/she think or feel about your mistake? what would you do? will you apologize?

back to the first question, what if the person you loved had that torturing secret, but you found out from other person, and you absolutely didn't know how to find that out, but you are really really curious about the truth, will you ask straight to him/her, will you believe in anything he/she say?

there's too much question i had, and this is for a person that totally special in my daily life, for this present day.

why would human had this feeling? it is so f*cked up for my heart.


Hey there !

Hey guys, its been a long time for my absence updating my post. well, i was kinda busy with some stuff, actually i did plan to write about the Lebaran holiday we had (19-27 september) but i just lost my enthusiasm when i faced my lovely McBlake ( my laptop ).

so i guess i'll just catch up my missing stories , rite guys.
oia, i feel like to write again after i read this post from my cousin, it encourage me to write again. hehehe feel free to visit her here.

so, where do i have to start?


lets start from the beginning of the holiday.
i went back to Jakarta on 17th september because i had no class on Friday, after i finished Thursday class, i jumped and rushed back home with my friend.
so we arrived in Jakarta in the afternoon, but i stayed to company Ajeng until she had to catch up her parents somewhere i forgot. hehe

then i went back by TransJakarta, carrying heavy stuff, because i thought spending 1 week would need much stuff to spend with. it was too heavy that i hurt my arm because i kept carrying with my left hand, not switching even just a moment.

when i arrived, it was kinda late, so i only hug my mom, cause my dad's already sleeping.

lets skip till the day after, i spent the day doing nothing, but then i went to senayan city with boncel ( hmm was it the day after of what day , i forgot already ). yea anyway, i went with his brothers too. also i met jason there, he said he was only going to eat, and killing time so i company jason for a while.

okay. lets skip again till the day of my departure to Semarang.

Saturday, we went early in the morning. we used to left like 3 a.m but because we actually haven't done much preparation the day before, it was delayed like till 5 or 6 a.m then we went and hit the road.

it was still early in the morning that we thought we wont catch any traffic jam. but after we drove along , somewhere i dont know the name, the road was split and there were much of policeman redirecting our way, till we had to head off Cilenyi , ( was that the name? haha ) we actually may drove in Cikampek if we wait 1 hour later. yea, it wasn't our luck to go by there.
And because we went by Cilenyi , we were stuck in the the middle of nowhere for about more than 12hours. It was so much suck. the sun up high and it felt like we've been roasted by the heat. oh i hate that crowd.

lets skip again till we arrived in Semarang. we stayed at hotel horrison, and we did have a great lebaran celebration along with my mom's family, also we visited dad's family to the day after.

me and my sister had a great quick photo shoot in taman makam pahlawan, actually we did that every year, but this time, my sister really prepared for the photo shoot.

here's some of the photo

after that photo shoot session, i took a few pictures when we visited the (hmm i dont know how to write the name, hehe) as i remember it was named as san pok kong temple. i know, i must have wrongly remember the name. kakkaa

here's the picture

not much thing we did in Semarang, and after we went back to Jakarta, i also didn't spend much time to go hanging out with my old friends.

After I went back to Bandung, the routine started again, and there comes the boringness.
well, this is life i have chosen to have.

gotta do what i have to do.

see ya guys in other post


so much differences i felt inside my self when i got my self back to Bandung just in a few days ago.

Weird, Abstract, Absurd.

Changes, makes new things happened

mean while, an awkward feeling surrounding my self now when i saw the thing i thought as my favorite thing.

its happening

its terrifying

and if it is really happening, please, don't do it as i ever done before.

no more bad habit

let it be as i ask and wanted to be

don't want to lose it. seriously



hey there.

just lying around not because there's nothing to do, but just because your body cant afford to wake up and have a little activities, this killing me a lot.

i was just having a big experience, the one i would like to call near-dying experience.
so the story goes like this,
it was 3 am and i woke instantly by something wrong i felt just after i had this weird dream-well i don't exactly sure i was dreaming or not, it's just to absurd to remember.
then i tried to go back to sleep, i've closed my eyes, but then i felt so thirsty so i grabbed a bottle of water i've saved beside my bed, i drank it then i went back to sleep.
that water i drank, i can feel it in my throat. it didn't go down as i expected the way usually i drank it. i felt sick right at the moment, so i ran to the bathroom and i threw up. i grabbed a glass of water again, but then i felt even more sicker than before, so i went to my parent's room. i woke them up, then i joined them slept in their bed.

i felt something worse then ever, my stomach ills so bad, i can even heard the grumbling in it, and i started to puck, again again and again.
i don't even remember how it went so long, i just remember how nice bathroom floor was, i slept on it. how nice to hug the toilet as if i don't want to be drag far from it.

i screamed, cried, puck, all over again, i can't sleep even thou i felt like passed out somehow, i remember all the pain. pff

finally i just can't stand it, i asked to be brought to the hospital, and so then i they brought me to RS Gandaria, i was checked, and injected as i count like 9 injection, and i felt peace , finally.
still can't open my eyes, but i can breath easily since there.

straight back home, i just fell to sleep, till i woke almost night, i ate a little porridge and had my medicines, then i fell over to sleep again.

now i'm awake, i feel so much freshened , i wish i can do a lot more activity but everytime i do a lot movement, it just make me sick. so i just lay down since morning, grab a book, i wish i can have some chat, but unfortunately my messenger error somehow, hffff

these holiday i have for about 2 months, i spent it almost with pain and sickness, i wonder why was that -_-
allergic, poisoned by drugs, poisoned by food, what else ? thank God it almost over ( i wish )

well, as i said before, don't play with anykind of drugs , medicine, or even ordinary food, keep your good health and you'll do fine

i guess i'm going back to sleep now :( Tschüss


project that failed

24 JUNE 2009
it was a photosession project i made for my friend, Ratna, which turned to be failed.

my goal was, i wanted to make Ratna "girly" because she's just to handsome in other way. hahaha

i've tried to make-over her face, it was like i've changed her makeup all over again just to find the right match to show her beauty face. i thought i had, but when i started the photoshoot, turns out the make up made her even more handsome, hahaha

well, i guess there was nothing i can do to change her look.

this are some of the photos

She's handsome, right guys? hahaha


killing time :(

it has been about 6 days since i stuck at home,apparently being alone oftenly, because I'm so sick of my allergic thingy ( i started to feel tired about this sickness ).

My routine such as, i wake every 9 a.m , eat my breakfast, drink my meds, wait till everybody left the house, and start being bored all the time.

i started to dig out old stuff, dvds, books, and else. and i found this dvds, TV series, GhostWhisperer, have you guys seen it?

at first, the first, and second seasons are average for me, but it helps me kill this boring time, so i stayed watching each episodes. when it hits the third season, it much more interesting because it's not just about those ghost thingy, it became so intense with the love, life , and family. i started to love watching melinda gordon with her action, i love to see how she work things out and she had her husband supported her very much.

and, what makes me so damnly embarrassed was, in the fourth season, i cried like hell when they were about to have this having baby plan, her husband jim, got shot and killed, the scene were really touches me so damn bad. i did cried like a baby.

it was really rare to see me cry because of a movie. but i dont know, its just seeing their love bound them very tight , makes me envy them so much ( i know, i'm being hypocrite because this is just a movie ). but i think , love like that would have been so much beautiful when you have your partner's trusted you deeply, and you just cant help falling for it's comfortable love, they barely fighting.

and how the husband's ghost tried to stay earth bound to be with his wife , forever, he picked another body and stayed to life much longer, even thou he had seen the light (the path to other lifes). he chose to stay. how lovely it is.

well, i havent finished watch the whole episodes, i just cant held my tears not to fall fiercely.
i guess i have to find out how it'll end.

this is just a junk post anyway. killing time, as it appeared as it's title :D


turned to be 19 !

Hey there, finally i can write my birthday story. fufufu

So here it goes, started on 14th July ,, hm no no, started on 13th, it was Monday, i stroll along the freeway to Bandung , first task was to attend this kind of meeting that held by the Internal-member to talk about Gintre 2009's progress.
So i arrived around 1-2 pm, and i got to my new "so-called home" , i cleaned my room, prepared for the meeting, and attended it.
After that, i met Cassey, who has arrived night before with Jason, mmm i kinda forgot what i was doing that day, as i remember i just can't wait the day to change to be 14th July, because i was getting my 1st TATTOO!!

Yes, Tattoo, that was my own birthday present..

o yes i remember , that night (13th) me and my Mafioso family having this arisan, which we had delayed for about 2 times, so i called the members who was available in Bandung to come to Kobel, and we have some fun, i did win the June row. Haha :D
That night, i feel like i want to go sleep as soon as possible, but the nerves just got me 100% awake and just stared at the celling till , i don't know what time, till finally i fell asleep.
and i really woke too early on the 14th. hihihi
you guys know how did it feels, just like you're going to the 1st day of school, so much excitement, yea, kinda bit like that.hihi

14th July, we were heading to Kimik's place (the tattoo artist) somewhere in Cisitu lama -Bandung.
I talked and showed him my hand drawing - a Symbol that symbolized my religion, my family that always watch my back (thats why i put it on my back).
It's a very simple drawing, i wished Kimik would improvised it. Actually he didn't put much different from the basic drawing.
But it turns out to be a very cool tattoo anyway. I love the eye, so realistic :D
You must know this, it was not as i thought how it hurt it will be, the first touch of that i don't know alat apa itu namanya, jarum nya yg segede bagong itu lah, hahaha.
1st touch, kaget , geli, and still , cool lah.
2nd, 3rd, 4th, i just can say , "O MY GOD".
It hurts like hell (well, i'm way to hyper). No, it's not that hurt.
But, hey, no pain, no gain, wasn't it. hihi

I can't talk even thou Cassey and Jason tried to distract me from the pain, well, its impossible not to feel if anypart of your body being hurt, right?
After 1 hour struggle with the pain, finally, it's done! haha
And look at it, i'm so proud to have this on my back.

This symbol means; 4 wings as my family: my dad, my mom, Mba upie and Ichyl, always lift me up whenever i feel low or down ( i wish it's true, somehow, ichyl oftenly makes me down).
And the cross, means my religion, and the eye means they will watch over my back all the time.

After that, we went to Eji's place, which near Kimik's, we had a little chat, we ate together, than we back to our place. I tried to get some rest, but it's still hurt enough, i just stayed awake, and started to lose my energy somehow.
It was my party night.
My sisters and bestfriends already got there to celebrate it.
Kobel friends, ordered to celebrate it with JackDaniel and get wasted somehow, i wanted it, so then i bought it.

Because there were Mba Upie, Mba Icha,Bone, Kota, Athe, Jason and Cassey too, they also buy some vodka and other drinks.
Even thou that night wasn't a big party, but i did have a lot of fun, gathered with new friends and old friends , best friend and siblings, yea, there was no mom and dad, but their prayer still companying my night.

So much fun. Thank you guys if you wished something for my best. haha that's a good gift too thou
these are some photos taken by, i dont know. hehe
Jeger ya
Mill, muka jelek bukan salah gw! haha

I love you guys so much!
Sebenernya berharap yang laen bisa pada ikut, tapiiiiii... yaaaah ini uda lewat tengah malem, apa boleh dikata, pasti juga pada ga bisa dateng, jadi yang merayakan ya anak kontrakan aja fufufu

Kado nya memang ga terlalu banyak, tapi dengan berkumpul, itu udah hadiah buat gw :D ehhehe

Setelah itu, on Thursday, my sisters went home, and i stayed because i want to company Jason and Cassey to get their 2nd Tattoo.
Here are the pictures

Cassey's tattoo is her father's face
Jason's is a background for his 1st tattoo (griffin)

Nice, rite?

After Bandung-ing, i celebrate my birthday with my family, we just had dinner at KFC Blok M, unusual place as a family place, tapi yaa, jarang-jarang kan, cool banget deh.

OIA, just after i got home from Bandung, i confess my tattoo to my parents and they were cool with it.
I love you mom, dad. haha

It's healing now, and it's very itchy!
Can't wait to show it to everyone! hahaha

kidding, i just want to keep it for my self, thats why i made it hidden.
somehow, i can't wait to make my 2nd tattoo! hahaha

Need to save more money for it


things to be shared

Many things i want to write since a had a blast "turn-to-19" party nite at my new "house" in Bandung, the one called 'kobel' , fulfill with bestfriends and sisters, many things talked and shared, but haven't got the chance because the internet connection is so damn low.

So i better wait till i get home tomorrow, so many things i want to share here. I haven't edit the evidence (photos) yet, so, it is not the right timing to write those happy things i had.

I just want to say, i feel very happy, but also sad, why did i feel sad? because something slip through my mind but i cannot get the explanation of that situation happened on my birthday night.

Simply, this is just a killing time typing things, i better get to sleep soon, tomorrow will be Cassey's and Jason's day to get their "2nd" tattoo. I cant wait to see it.

Hmmm tomorrow i'll be back to Jakarta, leaving this cold comforting air, also leaving something that really did make up my day , even just by words.
I cant hope much, because i'm just no one.

Begun by feeling, left up by fear. I just cant held that feeling anymore.

I'm so much afraid.

Anyway, good night. cant wait to write my story.


a bit of lesson i got

I received this email from a friend of mine, i just want to share it with you guys, happy reading :D

Bila kita siap MENDAPATKAN, sudahkan kita juga siap untuk KEHILANGAN ?

Memang, ada beragam cara menyikapi kehilangan. Dari mulai marah-marah, menangis, protes pada takdir, hingga bunuh diri. Masih ingatkah Anda pada tokoh-tokoh ternama, yang tega membunuh diri sendiri hanya karena sukses mereka terancam pudar ? Barangkali kisah yang saya adaptasi dari The Healing Stories karya GW Burns berikut ini, dapat memberikan inspirasi.

Alkisah, seorang lelaki keluar dari pekarangan rumahnya, berjalan tak tentu arah dengan rasa putus asa. Sudah cukup lama ia menganggur. Kondisi finansial keluarganya morat-marit. Sementara para tetangganya sibuk memenuhi rumah dengan barang-barang mewah, ia masih bergelut memikirkan cara memenuhi kebutuhan pokok keluarganya sandang dan pangan. Anak-anaknya sudah lama tak dibelikan pakaian, istrinya sering marah-marah karena tak dapat membeli barang-barang rumah tangga yang layak. Laki-laki itu sudah tak tahan dengan kondisi ini, dan ia tidak yakin bahwa perjalanannya kali inipun akan membawa keberuntungan, yakni mendapatkan pekerjaan.

Ketika laki-laki itu tengah menyusuri jalanan sepi, tiba-tiba kakinya terantuk sesuatu. Karena merasa penasaran ia membungkuk dan mengambilnya. "Uh, hanya sebuah koin kuno yang sudah penyok-penyok, " gerutunya kecewa. Meskipun begitu ia membawa koin itu ke sebuah bank.
"Sebaiknya koin ini Bapak bawa saja ke kolektor uang kuno," kata teller itu memberi saran.

Lelaki itupun mengikuti anjuran si teller, membawa koinnya ke kolektor.

Beruntung sekali, si kolektor menghargai koin itu senilai 30 dollar. Begitu senangnya, lelaki tersebut mulai memikirkan apa yang akan dia lakukan dengan rejeki nomplok ini.
Ketika melewati sebuah toko perkakas, dilihatnya beberapa lembar kayu sedang diobral. Dia bisa membuatkan beberapa rak untuk istrinya karena istrinya pernah berkata mereka tak punya tempat untuk menyimpan jambangan dan stoples.
Sesudah membeli kayu seharga 30 dollar, dia memanggul kayu tersebut dan beranjak pulang.
Di tengah perjalanan dia melewati bengkel seorang pembuat mebel. Mata pemilik bengkel sudah terlatih melihat kayu yang dipanggul lelaki itu. Kayunya indah, warnanya bagus, dan mutunya terkenal. Kebetulan pada waktu itu ada pesanan mebel. Dia menawarkan uang sejumlah 100 dollar kepada lelaki itu. Terlihat ragu-ragu di mata laki-laki itu, namun pengrajin itu meyakinkannya dan dapat menawarkannya mebel yang sudah jadi agar dipilih lelaki itu. Kebetulan di sana ada lemari yang pasti disukai istrinya. Dia menukar kayu tersebut dan meminjam sebuah gerobak untuk membawa lemari itu. Dia pun segera membawanya pulang.

Di tengah perjalanan dia melewati perumahan baru. Seorang wanita yang sedang mendekorasi rumah barunya melongok keluar jendela dan melihat lelaki itu mendorong gerobak berisi lemari yang indah. Si wanita terpikat dan menawar dengan harga 200 dollar. Ketika lelaki itu nampak ragu-ragu, si wanita menaikkan tawarannya menjadi 250 dollar.
Lelaki itupun setuju. Kemudian mengembalikan gerobak ke pengrajin dan beranjak pulang. Di pintu desa dia berhenti sejenak dan ingin memastikan uang yang ia terima. Ia merogoh sakunya dan menghitung lembaran bernilai 250 dollar.
Pada saat itu seorang perampok keluar dari semak-semak, mengacungkan belati, merampas uang itu, lalu kabur.

Istri si lelaki kebetulan melihat dan berlari mendekati suaminya seraya berkata, "Apa yang terjadi? Engkau baik saja kan ? Apa yang diambil oleh perampok tadi?"
Lelaki itu mengangkat bahunya dan berkata, "Oh, bukan apa-apa. Hanya sebuah koin penyok yang kutemukan tadi pagi".

Memang, ada beragam cara menyikapi kehilangan. Semoga kita termasuk orang yang bijak menghadapi kehilangan dan sadar bahwa sukses hanyalah TITIPAN TUHAN. Benar kata orang bijak, manusia tak memiliki apa-apa kecuali pengalaman hidup. Bila Kita sadar kita tak pernah memiliki apapun, kenapa harus tenggelam dalam kepedihan yang berlebihan ?
Have a positive day !

Kekuatan terbesar yang mampu mengalahkan stress adalah kemampuan memilih pikiran yang tepat.
Kita akan menjadi lebih damai bila yang kita pikirkan adalah jalan keluar masalah.


satu kata terus muncul tak tertata

mengilhami sebuah pikiran yang dulu nya jauh dari bermain kata pujangga

satu persatu harapan yang ada dihadapan, tak kunjung didapatkan karena kebohongan

bahkan menghilang entah tertelan

apa yang salah di diri itu?

tidakkah ada seorang makhluk yang ingin berubah?

makhluk hina namun menyimpan kualitas

itulah sebenarnya yang di inginkan

bukan sesuatu untuk didapatkan namun sesuatu yang harus diwujudkan

tak kunjung sesal oleh perlakuan, mengikrari segala janji manis yang diucap namun perbuatan penuh penyesalan

kehilangan dan terus kehilangan - selamanya kehilangan

akankah makhluk itu bertahan? mungkinkah dia akan mengubah satu titik di dalam kerusakan itu?


I just got this sentence from my chat with Dayu just this hour.

"mennunjukkan sisi sweet girl and ur inner rebel"

that's ROCK ! hahaha
Beberapa hari lagi menuju hari dimana gw akan melakukan hal yang benar-benar harus dipikirkan untuk impact nya seumur hidup. Hahaha
I just can't wait to have that.

13 JULI !! well, it's not the exact date i will get those HOLLY thing (fufu) but, itu hari dimana gw akan berangkat ke Bandung untuk mendapatkan nya !

Apakah itu?

Tunggu saja cerita hari gw disaat gw telah mendapatkannya, ehhehe

By the way, it's getting closer to my birthday.
19 years old, i'm not old enough, i'm still immature , but i'll think about what should i do to change my bad past to be a better future, haha

I'm going to use my talent fully useful in my new year !!

I hope so.

And, sekalian deh, actually i want to say this, just by the blog, ya kali-kali dibaca ama orangnya.

"I know that you were mad when i've done that terrible thing i've said i don't want to do, but i did. I heard it from 'the evil baby'. I once feel bad about this when i know you are actually being mad when you've said that you wouldn't care about that and you did act that you were good with it (or were i just not care whether you were being mad or not), but.. i do realize and know it's an expression that you care, so I thank you, and I apologize for my stupid decision and behavior. You're a good friend and a best friend, i just don't want to disappoint you. No more. I promise, I've struggle my self not to do those thing anymore just because i have new problems a head. I will face all my problems in a good way. Thanks for the advices, thanks for your careness. O and also, I miss you just by the day you left! you do know that. Haha. And, also, i write this in a really sobber condition. So , i do will remember that i write this for you, IF you read it ( i hope so, even maybe 1 more month from now). I love you, you're my very good friend. Take care always.Haha"

Yea, kenapa gw nulis ini di blog, karena i dont know, lagi kepikiran sekarang, maybe about 1 or 2 more hours, gw uda lupa gw mo bilang ini ke orangnya. hahaha

I can't say the name but i hope you, yang tertuju, sadar. Hahahaha



Some of lyrics i loved to read and sing by Sarah McLachlan

So tell me how do you feel it's so confusing, if you let it all go it'll fall apart.
Do you want me to stay and say i still want you ? You want me to.. Don't you ?
- Sarah Mchlachlan " You want me too" -

Truth be told I've tried my best, but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer. And the cost was so much more than I could bear.
Though I've tried, I've fallen, I've sunk so low, I've messed up.
- Sarah McLachlan "Fallen" -

Let me be empty oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight -
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
-Sarah McLachlan "Angel" -

And I don't understand by the touch of your hand, I would be the one to fall.
I miss the little things, I miss everything about you. It doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all.
-Sarah McLachlan "Sweet Surrender" -


5 July 2009

Here is my story of the day.
Remember from the last post i said i'm going to do something today .. ?

Well.. this is the report.
Started at ordinary rehearsal for this Great Overture concert coming up on August somewhen , then going to ITC permata hijau all by my self, bought new DVDs and doing a little bit window shoping (hmm at itc?), then i got home at 2 pm.

Ichyl was still sleeping somehow from last night party we had at SOHO Citos, but then i just woke her up and asked her to company me to do this today's project.



Yes, i just had my hair cut at Cyber Salon , expensive but really did worth for the price.
My idea was just, i don't want to look a mess but, i want to be extraordinary, it's in my blood, i just started to feel bored of my self because of this ordinary look. Well, my bad i guess. Hahaha

So, I just went to the salon without any plan what kind of hair style i would like to have.
Then, suddenly, i just did this talking with the "mbak2" and then, came along this idea. She started to cut my hair, and well done, it is very very NICE ! hahahhaa

Extremely COOL for me, but i don't know what people will say about this, but Ichyl said she likes it,and i wouldn't care about people's opinion anyway. hahahaa

These are the pictures of my hair look haahahahaa

this is from the right side , still look the same right ?

and this is from the left ixixixixi i love this side

And this is from the Back aheahea

and this how i look from the front

So how do you think my hair do is? ahehaehahea
let me know guys.

After i got this hair cut i stroll along with my sister, which now has kinda the same style as mine. We're sibling afterall.

We done this hang out with somekind of old Komplex friends, we had a blast night meal and night chat with them.
We're going to have next reunion sooner.

After that, we hang around Barito park to have a late night meal with our parents.

This taken by Ichyl, oo i'm a punk'er aheaheha LOL
Founding my self have spent too much useless time makes me realized i did to much grieving and mourning about my boringness of doing nothing instead only playing computer and games that really makes me retarded for days.

Being stupid, extra stupid running away from problems that found either in my own so-called home or even finding problems inside my self (means i thought i'm being phsyco enough) this kind of tiredness of the allergic sickness i have that very far away from being better, i did too much this -making my self die any sooner. Bad bad thing i've done in this holiday.

Tonight, I just met a few old friends and another friends from my friends - point is, i met this peoples, they are models, photographer, singer, musician, and else, those kind of very cool life style, the real cool people not just this ordinary new kid style or whatsoever.
They made me think, man, i have this talents, a few talents that my parents already taught me since i was a little dummy kid, why would i just screw my life because of this hedonic feeling i have just for a second - and screw my entire day, days or even a week. Being very retarded because can't focused on anything.

I need new things. Consider from my self, i'm a little experimental person.
I decided. First thing i would like to do is, I will change my appearance by the look, hair-do, or what ever i had in mind, i'll just gonna do it for some fun.

Also, i'll start to talk to my parents, maybe it'll help me find out what will i do for dragging my self from my self-trouble that caused by my own thought.
Hmm, I'm trying to discuss about what work i should try to apply in time, because i really need to raise my own saving.
I want to travel around with my own money. Also, July, many things i wanna do and get. I need more money and saving.

This is my only thought i had in my brain for this very moment.
I'm trying to get normal as normal as anybody else.
It might not seem normal for normal people, but, thats what i called "fun".Haha

Let's see what will i do tomorrow.


finally being gathered around for a few times in this week after we seperated for a long time since, me gone to college in Bandung, and Kota, stays for his study in Jakarta.

So when me had this semester holiday, we back to Jakarta, we hoped that we could find some old friends back in Warning, the one which supposed to be our second home but unfortunately now just being an ordinary warung to stop by. We can only find Kota that always stays around there, either only stop and go after he got off his campus, or just stop by when he has a date with his girl, or even killing time by playing at the Hin city (somekind of warnet-warung internet- that i've never touched). Well, actually that kind of stuff also being Jason routine.

After Cassey arrived from Jogjakarta, we did meet each other and spent quality time for like a day, but she had to pack her belonging days after because she was going to shanghai with her family (She's having a blast holiday rightnow actually, i envy). So, back to back, Jason again again and again the one to spend my day with (not everyday, but oftenly).

And so then it all started this week, Monday, I went to watch some movie with Jason, and also Kota was invited, )he didn't know that we were going to watch movie, but he already came, so what can he say, he join us.
Just before that. I did something bad.

Unfortunately i had this kind of curiousness about anything people done in this life time.
You know drugs, drinks, things that may damage and killed your self, but i don't do it actually.( I WAS NOT)

But not anymore.

I just i had this big curiousness.
Seemly like, i know some guy who did those kind of things and lately i was tempted to asked them for it.

Naa, on that Monday date day, I did one. I ate one of a drug , i forgot what its name, it didn't gave much effect to your body, you just feel like you're doing so relax, you don't feel any adrenaline rush, or somekind of like that.

That was my first time.

The next day, i was just told if i want to keep the effect for the next day, i just need to drink coffee and sodas, so i drank , A LOT.
It did work, i feel happy afterall.

The next day, still i did the same things , also, i took another 2 pills, of the same type i took on monday.
Still the same effect.

Yesterday. I took a diffrent type of pills, I started to get addicted to those kind of stuff.
Really, i do.
And this one, really had a big difference effect as the last type i took.
Very very uncomfortable feeling i felt inside my self.
I was being very-very tired like i need to sleep for a thousand years, and i did.
I went home and i cant even remember how, when i awake, it's already 2 pm today.
I slept to much. And i still felt lots of dizzy.
This kind of stuff took a lot of bad effect , you could do bad things that you wouldn't even remember that you've done it.
You may damage your brain, you forgot what you've just did, where you put your stuff, where you were heading to, anything bad. It could happened.

I had enough for now.
Really am.
I asked everyone i trusted to pull me out when i start to act that i need one.
I need their help.
I just, i dont strong enough to pull my self out.
I just have this problems and this becoming my run away item from my problems.
Its very very wrong.
I knew it.
I just CAN'T !!!!!

Just remind this.
This things are extremely BAD, so

I am embarrassed,
but this must be said to anyone.




Today, I suppose to have a date with Milatina Salma, who asked me the night before to join her and Bako on their plan , hunt for some photos in Senayan. She said, "9 am ya we" and i said, okay because i don't have any plan anyway, Cassey is leaving to Shanghai trip with her family, and i just had spent too much money days before, so i think, hunt for some photos would be nice.

And so , i woke up , actually , kinda late, about 9.10 or when-so-ever, and i didn't remember why i should wake early this morning. After yawning and stretching, i began to realized , MILA !

So i called her. (Still in sleepy voice)
"Mil, are you awake? Jadi ga ke senayan?"

mila :"ya wek, gw juga baru bangun hahaha. yauda i call Biki dulu ya"

And so after i hung up the phone, i went back to sleep for awhile till Bako's sms came and she said,
"Wek, kita sushi aja yu sushi tei senayan city. Mila ga jadi dibolein pergi, dia harus ngurus SIM"

hmm okay. Sushi sound good afterall.
I remembered that Dita wants to come to my house to install THE SIMS 3, so i told her that i have this sushi tei plan, and i asked her to join. She approved it, so then, its a date.

12 o'clock, but i actually still having a bit of reaction of something i did the day before, so i just didn't feel to move fast, i came a bit late, but Dita and Bako did so, so no one got there on time anyway.

We ate our lunch, with some "blunder"ing thing, i tried to stay focused on their conversation, it did well anyway, almost actually, i skipped a few of their conversation, i didn't feel to well.

And so, because in sushi tei we cant smoke, we moved to Plasa Senayan, to Starbucks - i need caffein so much - my very bad choice i have done today.

2 cups of dark coffee, without milk, and 3 bottles of coke. This really messed me up.

Afterall, Mila came to Senayan and join us to have a cup of , i don't remember what she drank.
We have this big chat of Manohara, Megawati, and things that actually, i don't understand.

And finally, we wanted to move somewhere cozier, we moved to this so-called- palm, we moved to foodcourt, and finally, we decided to go to CheeseCakeFactory in Panglima Polim.

This stupidity began just before we got out from Senayan.

I parked my car in Senayan city.
What i remember is, i parked it at B2 E-something.
So i just moved my foot to the path i remembered.
My car wasn't there.
My car wasn't anywhere.
There's no such E mark around the corner where i remembered as the corner i parked mine.

Start to panic, thank God i wasn't alone, Dita companied me.
We walk through all of the corner, searching for everysingle detail i said, we asked the Carboy or who-so-ever they're called.
Still, i dont have any clue. Where did i park my car?

Gee, do you know how it feels when you're in a middle of some test and you don't know any of the answer, anything, or you got busted for something bad, and you panic like crying (thank God,i wasn't).

And i tried to calm my self down, tried to remember anything i did before i went upstair the moment i arrived before.
And also, i called Bako first, to tell them that i missed my parking place, and the respon i get was
"Ga papa we, gw ini juga lagi ada masalah, gw ketilang polisi nih didaerah gw ga tau mana, gara2 salah 3 kali. hahahahaha"

Waw, hahaha
Me = miss-locating my car
Mila = busted by police

After another searched i made with Dita, (i really felt sorry for her because of this stupidity)
finaly, I FOUND IT!

And you know what, it's just a few meters from the escalator room, i must have turn right, but i took left right, thats why i missed navigation.

MAN you don't know how i felt, it so damnly relief !! i hugged my car for real. haha

And then i called Bako, they also had finished their problem with the policeman, without spending anymoney for pay them up.

I just don't feel like hungry anymore, i just got too panic.

But we did went to the CheeseCake Factory, Mila, Bako and Dita had their dinner there.
PLUS, now that we're home, Mila forgot to brought the cake he bought for her dad, she came back, which like JATIWARINGIN - PANGLIMAPOLIM for twice ?!?!?! (yea mungkin blom ampe jatiwaringin, maybe uda di toll mana gitu ahhaha)


We actually laughing at each other of what we have experienced today.

This is really funny thou.

I just hoping it wont happen anymore.

I will keep my self sober !