A latent feeling so deeply for some reason that made me not recognize and continue to deny the truth.
hundreds of days elapsed with dreams, dreams, and excitement that continues to play in the loneliness that happen every day
opportunity, it's the one that became my expectations.
time passed, the belief in the existence of something that has no end and will never end, that's what our strengths

but it turns out

stupidity happens, the unused masks finally opened, we see ourselves against and realize their own stupidity. for the wonderful things about fun, a nice thing happened in the past, is merely a disguise. you think he was kind-hearted to be a partner in this new life.
I changed
some different things you do

i prepared a speech of what happen lately , that happen to my self

but this one act that you did destroyed what i've been preparing for this kind of a suicidal talk.

i take it all back, i erased what i've saved in my mind.

would it just be over with bad feeling , tortured me like for any seconds, keeping me down little by little, slowly but harm

or will there be some way and options to make us happy and again pass our day with light happy partner or what ever that is?

i want it, but what you want, doesn't mean the one that you need.

who will be the one i needed the most? i thought you, the only one in my list. i need the solitude of your companion. i dont ask more

3rd day 2010

Heii i'm back, as i said before, i would like to tell you my new experience in this very day.

3rd day of 2010

its CYTHIA's birthdaaayyy yeeey

don't you know cynthia ? click on the name, you will see her picture with her boyfriend Sean Berger, if i'm not mistaken spelling the last name. hehehe

so, why was this day felt so much special ?

cynthia held her birthday party in her house, lots of her friends, including my juniorhigh friends came to her so called party. also her highschool friends, her sundayschool ( church thingy ) friends, the bishops , her uncles and aunties, cousins, nephews, nice, it was soo crowd there, well yeah, we didn't know each other but we get along well, we shared stories, we talked, listened, just "basa basi" if i may say.

but what make it so special ?

it came up when there was this "opening presents" time, when her father told her to get her friends, one by one, saying greeting before she opened the present from the following person she chose. one by one stand and said lovely, entertaining, funny, sad words for her. and then came the time for her parents to say their words. it was so touching till i almost , just almost cried my self out. but, yea, ja im. hehehe

and she must respond to their words,

here was the part i like the most.

she said, the very first time she arrived in Canada, she felt lonely, she didn't know anyone, she couldn't get a grip on anything because she was totally alone there.

the first thing she was trying to find was CHURCH

started from there, she was excepted by the people, who loved her because they knew that she loves GOD so much. since there , she got a very big strength to get through her life and she survives living alone, so far from her family.

also, this sentence really touching too. well, i might seen it not from "family" thing side, i was taken the essence for my love life.

she said

"you wouldn't understand what someone meant for you until you were far away from them , then you'll realized how they meant for your life, how you miss them, how you need them, how you felt that you've been loved by them"

yes, we almost did things badly to our closest person , and we realized how they meant for us when they were far, or we already lose them

ehm, somebody might understand my problem here.

well, after all, this was a good lesson for us to be mentioned by someone really close to me like cynthia. i will always remember this.

so, anyway, we grab the cakes, we drink, we smoke , talked, laughed till we found that the last group left was we, her junior high friends, Don Bosco people - that's what we've been called from the very first time.

yes, we stayed like till 12 am, it was like a little reunion we had, thanks to cynthia again, that we have this opportunity to get reunited again.

ow how i miss them so much, besides of the high school people, this were my bestfriends, back in juniorhigh. i loved to laugh and spent the time with this guys, and Mayu, ooww how we love to have her as our friend, even thou we always mocking her because of her body size, but we do love you from the bottom of our heart may :D

yes, we laugh like we don't care about anything. funny to see we have changed a lot, and reminiscing or past like, wow, have we been there before ?

so much to say, but less time we had, we were saying good bye to each other, hugs, kisses, tears, laughs we share like there wont be another time, but i do believe and i do insist that there will be another opportunity. Cynthia, you must come home next year, i hope you will for sure.

hehe

so now, i've reached my very comfortable bed, and still writing down this post.

oya, back to middle topic here, let me say this as the closing

"i realized that i was such a fool, i waste my opportunity that might have been given from what you've done to me, our remaining time still be my lovely time, even thou now you're seeing me not more just as an ordinary friend. but i would love to tell you this, you are my very best man i ever had. you didn't hurt me, my thoughts, and my perspective about us, where there were no us maybe, it's the only reason why i'm in this position now. i may act like something crazy and annoying , but it was just my curious that turns me that way. i know i'll stop that, because i wont bother you anymore. but at the very least of everything, whenever you need me, or seek me, or anything, i'll be there just like where i used to be. i wont change, you're my best friend"

just in case you read this, like unpredictable sigh , if you don't like this, tell me, i'll delete it in a second.

last word,

good night

2nd day 2010

so, how was your 1st day of 2010 ? was it fun?

so i spent the 1st day not much with sleeping and things, we went to Pacific Place and grabbed a Ramen dinner with the whole family.

2nd day of 2010

i started the day like almost late noon. i woke up and still felt so sleepy but my mom drag our body ( me and my sister ) to my uncle's place , located somewhere in Bumi Serpong Damai ( looks like i have to get used with those unreachable location which i'm going to live in about another 8 months ) and hell, yeah the day felt so hot.

the sun shines to bright, i can feel the heat all over my skin, caused me a skin burn in about 2 seconds since i walked out the door. God, i felt terrible, my skin turned red, it itched in several part, and it hurts like hell

weird , huh ?

yes, because of my allergic, i really can't be in open spaces where i could get burn by the light, i have to keep my body in the shadow. it was the reaction of my medicine. i shall call my self night person, not because i hang out in the night, but because i can't go out when the sun still high. i wish i can show you guys how red i am, but i didn't take my own picture, i wouldn't even think about taking picture while i was screaming in pain

yes, it was like a really horrible travel through the freeway when you got your self strain in this bright road, with no tall buildings shadowing the road, i can only buried my self deeper in the car, and getting my self cold by the AC.

so we arrived , and we chat, owyea , my grandmother was there too, and she said she'll be visiting and sleep over like, today, or somewhen ..

we had lunch, and after that we were going back home.

home, it's almost evening, i called Dita and asked her to go somewhere , and yes we went and have dinner at Plaza Senayan, Ajeng were with us too.

after that we went to Bakoel to have a night chat, and drank some coffee, well too people that usually notice something, i didn't take anything out. only original coffee.

not bad for this 1st saturday night in 2010, well i was hoping i could go for something more exciting but what can i say , this was all i can get.

now, lets find another experience. i'll tell about it later guys. see you

January 2010

hail to the 1st day of 2010

here's the deal, i can't even say that i'm happy with those countdown thingy we did on the last day of 2009

hell i wanna stay home, even alone, but i might feel peace after all

it was the last piece of my dark thought i always have in 2009

whatever it is, it's going to change in a life time, 2010, my favorite number for now, is going to be a big year to get through cos i have plenty lists of goals.

see what i can do to achieve it

i'm no longer minding all of the broken things back those days, mending all the things just making my stomach even more ill than thinking what i will have this beautiful new year.

whatever it is i will think about it every next present day, and the day after, i'll exactly do what i think i should do, no more doubting, no more postponing

i'll be just live and go through where the wind blows. even there will be a hurricane or something, i'll live

you, i believe i will never find another way around to have the same you all over again. but i do believe, i won't forget any moment i had, and there you are , you will always be the satellite.

but time will tell when it is the moment for the planet find another one