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otak , rasional, fakta

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semuanya dianggap kenyataan jika berhubungan dengan perasaan

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otak berkembang

rasional berkembang

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tidak ada yang pernah menjadi suatu hal yang pasti

karena itu, jangan pikirkan apapun. jalani apa yang ada didepanmu


this week (november 22nd till today 26th) was quite messy days. i urge my self strongly to use all of my strength to do the assignment from the campus. its really exhausting for sure.
well actually it was started way before monday, but start from then, i really wasn't enjoying my day.

with me and my needs to be so relax and enjoying my life, i was force (by my self) to be too serious finishing all the things that have been signed and being paused for a while.

i don't know why but many people (friends of mine) always comment about this semester (5th semester) routine was very very boring. we don't have any spirit to study not even to think of anything. we were exhausted by the activities which we create on our own.

boring, and torturing.

this semester will last in about 1 more week, and we are going to do our final exam.
5th semester.. i can't believe that i've been studying for this long, and yet, i don't feel good enough with this major i take.

being in this "part" of life actually doesn't do me any wrong, but i still wanting something else. something that i really wanted to have.

if this became the real path of my life, what else can i say, i have to finish what i have started.

in a real confusing condition is my theme for all day. lets get this done and find the real life out there.

we can do it, can't we?


if i ever mentioned about
i would like to ,kind of, promoting about what she's been doing around lately. i mean, she's been doing this like years, but this present days, she's trying to make some effort of this thing she really into somehow.

She's my older sister, 2 years older than me. She's a singer. she has already sang since like when she was a child
she struggle enough to make this hobby, interest , or what ever you would call it as a part of her life.

she has many band, she start to get seriously involve with her band, actually i dont really get along with her band so i dont know the names.

she's made many songs, refer to day life, she make it as good as it rhymed, and very easy listening songs

support her, that's what i'm intending to do

check this blog and things she made about her songs

enjoy it


there is nowhere else to put this words after all

today's feeling that i have is the strongest feeling i ever urge to come up with

in need

the lost pair



youth spirit

Photo of Bitterswing i took a week ago
coming back from reality, these word i'm going to arrange seems to be just a cliché but, they are real

youth, teenage, whatsoever you would call it, we couldn't measure it just by age, by how old we are.

i see it as how we act as we grow and try to socialize with other people, in deed, how we cope where we mingle around with friends, old, new, best friend, acquaintance, or even enemies.
sometime we act better, kinder, humble with new people, as if we tried to make a good first impression with them. but to old friends, we act careless, we yell, we scream, we don't even think about how they feel with our behavior
youth, is how we feel our spirit is light up with enjoyable things
we tried many things ahead, we don't care what people said, we just do what we do, we are being our self

but is it true?

is it really "us"

somehow we show up with good feelings instead , hiding all of the bad thoughts in mind so we won't affect other people, specifically among friends.
the real thing is, when we really in the good place, the perfect fit of our needs, our real friend, you show the real you
the bad and sad stories, the happy and joyful stories, all nagging, all comments, all insult, all bragging.. we show it all. we keep it share one to another.

thats what in mind.
the fact?
no one will know which one is the truth, because we human, choose to lie
but how ever that is, sometime on those laugh, you find something precious that you will think you should keep in forever

time flies, opportunities come and go

choose what you think you want to choose, it is our right to do it

we are the youth generation, we should be better in mind and better in act
but in our own perspective. freedom .. it is


plastic skin with burning desire

careless expression made without willing to show about
dragging all the way down to nowhere
leaving different meaning to people who sees with their perfection of society
harmful to people who care a lot these days
harmless to what felt inside when they told you about the lies

plastic made you find so hard to express what lies inside
love, care, laugh, anger, seemed never appeal because there is no way to define
perfection is all they seen, which never been there from the first place
laugh the sound out, never felt the way it should be

eyes, they could speak. eyes they tell the truth
sadness anger laughter, shared with tears and colours
but somehow it speaks only for your self
you hide your face when your eyes start to talk

heart hurts to see the real world
where you desire to be the most
of anything you face every second of every minute
skip all the thing that doesn't come to the mind
broken inside you start to think of lies
could it ever survive?

times flies so hard that you can't even try to look what you've left behind
see the world in new side, and take the dirty glasses off your eyes

hope will cope with your desire
it wont fade till your time has come


here's a few reminiscing photo i took while me and my friends went to TMII few months ago, its quite memorized that we had that months anyway guys.

sad to remembering that we can't be together these present day, we always looking forward to gather up again sometime. i miss this time sake

we discovered few memorable things a head, we found but lost one way all around
one thing substituting the other
love, friendship, kindness, warmth and the euphoria stay remained in our heart.

where ever we are , when ever will be



it was easy for me to be amazed by something, someone unordinary, likely i was blinded by it.
never think of what that means, what should there be, how i'm suppose to behave or so on.
more than hundred times i was stuck in my own feeling. to much perspective i used in judging people's capability, how i see people's behavior, and other things that not common in people's eyes.

i thought something differently.. well good to be told, i am different

but something turns out badly, when i think of someone who i thought, now me deeply very very well, it just turn down on me, i would just say, stupid for them, that they do something unimportant like that. i wouldn't grief by this action they made because its just not in a proper situation.

i amazed by their thoughts, stupidly annoying but i won't matter about it, no more.

2nd thing i amazed about this kinda day, is this person.
it supposed to be called i fall for some guy i barely know.
seemly the same as what i've been through years back, i put to much interest in one guy, who i barely know, with to much excite, till , i think, being annoyance to some people. but there's no further progress that could be shown from what i've done to make a move to this guy. yea well, i've tried to be friends with his friends, i tried to bound with new people to get to know him well. but i don't really have that approach straight to the man, which clearly said , there won't be any progress if i stick in this theory.

i'm being a stalker for about over 4 months, i get to know him by his writing, by his emotion speaking in words, by people's talking, and just by seeing. lame, isn't it?

but i've tried my best to slow down, because i'm afraid i will fall in the same spot and failed with nothing

and so i check about his life every day, then i just found his blog this night. i read it, and i like it. he's so much a like with me, in my judgment , but not in his community, i guess. what i saw is that he's so much damn introvert, i could barely hear his voice when we were mingle around somehow. he laugh and act strangely as the day goes by, but still, i couldn't see his personality yet.

i know that he's a hard worker, and perfect match to what i've seeking for. to bad is just the gap that we hold, the year we entered this faculty, made a big difference for us to bound as a common friend, i just get to ashamed to be and known that i interested to this person so much.

i'm still trying to do any best to get close to this guy. whatever will happen in the future, i'll just be blessed by it.

amazed by his strange smile, i will never be able to ease his face from my mind

forever stuck and never find a way to make it happen.
lets just pray for our best


So this little story about my organization that I have not been updated. As i remember, it was about somewhen in febuary, held the inauguration of new members who counted as a member in 2009. The number of candidates who gave real surprise to us, the old members, who expected the successor of the membership number at the inauguration of this year. it was only 3 people who will be inaugurated as the new members. well, actually it was good that there are members who will be inaugurated somehow. But, anyway, there was this ordinary ceremony we were doing to inaugurate them.

look how dashing they are

Young member 2007 performed this ceremony. As usual they use our outdoor outfit, our beloved Orange Jacket. Unfortunately, i don't bring mine, and neither i used indoor outfit, i uses ordinary casual long t-shirt, sorry guys. hehe

Among, one of the 2007, perfectly tended to be the commander of the ceremony, along with Ferry who tended to be, well,( whats the word? ) - pembina upacara.

Lots of attenders from many years, not too much, but at least still there were several of still-concerned-members that joined the ceremony.

No separation between the old members ( which literally the old ones ) and the young one

After we pass this official ordinary flag ceremony, then came the inauguration time.
The three new members stepped in front of the line.

They washed down with coconut water for the purpose of baptism by the oldest member who attended and then given a scarf as a sign of the inauguration. So there they were, the new member of TRUPALA 2009. (actually i forgot the names, i'll be back for that someday)
After the ceremony finished, we gathered around , drank some "cendol" and we ate some snack brought by the committee. We chat one to another, individually, then to group of old friends, reminiscing the old memory back.

It's been to long for me to meet and be with this old bestfriends, together spending the time like there's no tomorrow, laughing our fat ass off, mingle like we don't care where we were.
I miss those time, i miss the guys.

Can we go back to that time? of course not.

I have a life here. i don't regret what i do here, now, and then.

It was just a little rewind of my old memories. It wont be a big concern. Life just goes around as it is.

but so you know, i did miss the old days


its been so long ey , i just got back with another spirits since i just lost it somehow after i lost my soul somehow.
pathetic , yes, that was the word.

you know , well, several people known how i survived in my stupid love life. i have went through some similar mistake then. and i was like repeating all over again. i realized that i have enough with my self somehow. its not that i was angry or fed up with my self, i still love my self, i just longing to have another chance , to proof my self that i can do so much better, i can avoid another stupid decision, stupid theory, i just want to feel ordinary love, which i haven't felt till now.

several so-called relationship, thou never been in a real status somehow, but i did feel love, loving, loved and whatever you want to call it.

somehow the only thing that made me feel like there's missing pieces in my daylife, its only one thing. love. never had the real thing for once.

i have much friends, i have much activity, i never felt bored, i play a lot, instead, i was too much cool with anything. everything felt like nothing was wrong, it was like it fits the way they were. to perfect till i don't recognize whats missing.

somehow, yes , i do admit what my bestfriend said, i was too much careless , i should atleast be sensitive for a little bit, but i wont change the way i am thou.

im hoping this would be the last lame post about love love things. i will come back with great experience, angry, joy, sadness, anything but blaming my self.

we should keep our spirits alive, will you? you should! :D


A latent feeling so deeply for some reason that made me not recognize and continue to deny the truth.
hundreds of days elapsed with dreams, dreams, and excitement that continues to play in the loneliness that happen every day
opportunity, it's the one that became my expectations.
time passed, the belief in the existence of something that has no end and will never end, that's what our strengths

but it turns out

stupidity happens, the unused masks finally opened, we see ourselves against and realize their own stupidity. for the wonderful things about fun, a nice thing happened in the past, is merely a disguise. you think he was kind-hearted to be a partner in this new life.
I changed
some different things you do
i prepared a speech of what happen lately , that happen to my self
but this one act that you did destroyed what i've been preparing for this kind of a suicidal talk.
i take it all back, i erased what i've saved in my mind.
would it just be over with bad feeling , tortured me like for any seconds, keeping me down little by little, slowly but harm
or will there be some way and options to make us happy and again pass our day with light happy partner or what ever that is?

i want it, but what you want, doesn't mean the one that you need.
who will be the one i needed the most? i thought you, the only one in my list. i need the solitude of your companion. i dont ask more


3rd day 2010

Heii i'm back, as i said before, i would like to tell you my new experience in this very day.

3rd day of 2010

its CYTHIA's birthdaaayyy yeeey

don't you know cynthia ? click on the name, you will see her picture with her boyfriend Sean Berger, if i'm not mistaken spelling the last name. hehehe

so, why was this day felt so much special ?

cynthia held her birthday party in her house, lots of her friends, including my juniorhigh friends came to her so called party. also her highschool friends, her sundayschool ( church thingy ) friends, the bishops , her uncles and aunties, cousins, nephews, nice, it was soo crowd there, well yeah, we didn't know each other but we get along well, we shared stories, we talked, listened, just "basa basi" if i may say.

but what make it so special ?

it came up when there was this "opening presents" time, when her father told her to get her friends, one by one, saying greeting before she opened the present from the following person she chose. one by one stand and said lovely, entertaining, funny, sad words for her. and then came the time for her parents to say their words. it was so touching till i almost , just almost cried my self out. but, yea, ja im. hehehe

and she must respond to their words,

here was the part i like the most.

she said, the very first time she arrived in Canada, she felt lonely, she didn't know anyone, she couldn't get a grip on anything because she was totally alone there.

the first thing she was trying to find was CHURCH

started from there, she was excepted by the people, who loved her because they knew that she loves GOD so much. since there , she got a very big strength to get through her life and she survives living alone, so far from her family.

also, this sentence really touching too. well, i might seen it not from "family" thing side, i was taken the essence for my love life.

she said

"you wouldn't understand what someone meant for you until you were far away from them , then you'll realized how they meant for your life, how you miss them, how you need them, how you felt that you've been loved by them"

yes, we almost did things badly to our closest person , and we realized how they meant for us when they were far, or we already lose them

ehm, somebody might understand my problem here.

well, after all, this was a good lesson for us to be mentioned by someone really close to me like cynthia. i will always remember this.

so, anyway, we grab the cakes, we drink, we smoke , talked, laughed till we found that the last group left was we, her junior high friends, Don Bosco people - that's what we've been called from the very first time.

yes, we stayed like till 12 am, it was like a little reunion we had, thanks to cynthia again, that we have this opportunity to get reunited again.

ow how i miss them so much, besides of the high school people, this were my bestfriends, back in juniorhigh. i loved to laugh and spent the time with this guys, and Mayu, ooww how we love to have her as our friend, even thou we always mocking her because of her body size, but we do love you from the bottom of our heart may :D

yes, we laugh like we don't care about anything. funny to see we have changed a lot, and reminiscing or past like, wow, have we been there before ?

so much to say, but less time we had, we were saying good bye to each other, hugs, kisses, tears, laughs we share like there wont be another time, but i do believe and i do insist that there will be another opportunity. Cynthia, you must come home next year, i hope you will for sure.


so now, i've reached my very comfortable bed, and still writing down this post.

oya, back to middle topic here, let me say this as the closing

"i realized that i was such a fool, i waste my opportunity that might have been given from what you've done to me, our remaining time still be my lovely time, even thou now you're seeing me not more just as an ordinary friend. but i would love to tell you this, you are my very best man i ever had. you didn't hurt me, my thoughts, and my perspective about us, where there were no us maybe, it's the only reason why i'm in this position now. i may act like something crazy and annoying , but it was just my curious that turns me that way. i know i'll stop that, because i wont bother you anymore. but at the very least of everything, whenever you need me, or seek me, or anything, i'll be there just like where i used to be. i wont change, you're my best friend"

just in case you read this, like unpredictable sigh , if you don't like this, tell me, i'll delete it in a second.

last word,

good night


2nd day 2010

so, how was your 1st day of 2010 ? was it fun?

so i spent the 1st day not much with sleeping and things, we went to Pacific Place and grabbed a Ramen dinner with the whole family.

2nd day of 2010

i started the day like almost late noon. i woke up and still felt so sleepy but my mom drag our body ( me and my sister ) to my uncle's place , located somewhere in Bumi Serpong Damai ( looks like i have to get used with those unreachable location which i'm going to live in about another 8 months ) and hell, yeah the day felt so hot.

the sun shines to bright, i can feel the heat all over my skin, caused me a skin burn in about 2 seconds since i walked out the door. God, i felt terrible, my skin turned red, it itched in several part, and it hurts like hell

weird , huh ?

yes, because of my allergic, i really can't be in open spaces where i could get burn by the light, i have to keep my body in the shadow. it was the reaction of my medicine. i shall call my self night person, not because i hang out in the night, but because i can't go out when the sun still high. i wish i can show you guys how red i am, but i didn't take my own picture, i wouldn't even think about taking picture while i was screaming in pain

yes, it was like a really horrible travel through the freeway when you got your self strain in this bright road, with no tall buildings shadowing the road, i can only buried my self deeper in the car, and getting my self cold by the AC.

so we arrived , and we chat, owyea , my grandmother was there too, and she said she'll be visiting and sleep over like, today, or somewhen ..

we had lunch, and after that we were going back home.

home, it's almost evening, i called Dita and asked her to go somewhere , and yes we went and have dinner at Plaza Senayan, Ajeng were with us too.

after that we went to Bakoel to have a night chat, and drank some coffee, well too people that usually notice something, i didn't take anything out. only original coffee.

not bad for this 1st saturday night in 2010, well i was hoping i could go for something more exciting but what can i say , this was all i can get.

now, lets find another experience. i'll tell about it later guys. see you


January 2010

hail to the 1st day of 2010

here's the deal, i can't even say that i'm happy with those countdown thingy we did on the last day of 2009

hell i wanna stay home, even alone, but i might feel peace after all

it was the last piece of my dark thought i always have in 2009

whatever it is, it's going to change in a life time, 2010, my favorite number for now, is going to be a big year to get through cos i have plenty lists of goals.

see what i can do to achieve it

i'm no longer minding all of the broken things back those days, mending all the things just making my stomach even more ill than thinking what i will have this beautiful new year.

whatever it is i will think about it every next present day, and the day after, i'll exactly do what i think i should do, no more doubting, no more postponing

i'll be just live and go through where the wind blows. even there will be a hurricane or something, i'll live

you, i believe i will never find another way around to have the same you all over again. but i do believe, i won't forget any moment i had, and there you are , you will always be the satellite.

but time will tell when it is the moment for the planet find another one