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hands clean - alanis morissette

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
actually i can't sleep and i keep surfing and browsing and reading people's blog.

i wonder , they had such wonderful stories, why can't i have it?

anyway, i was just arrived from bandung, actually, i arrived at 12 pm, but then i went for awhile with jason , we grab something to eat, and then we went to odonk's office. it's kinda weird to call it as a office, because it didn't seem like it.

a house, full of crap. thats what i'd like to call it.

there were latif, dimi, odonk , and somad, lying down on the floor, smiling and laughing.

just by the time i went in , it such a warm comforting air blew trough me. i love this air. the air of familiar comforting , welcoming sound and i just miss it so much.

we talk, we laugh, we memorize all the thing we have missed. we've separated to long, we didn't hold to each other for about a year, gees, where have i been?

we hug, we lean, we trade every single missing stories. we drink, we smoke, we get drunk, we were being our self

why can't i have it in bandung ?

so much people i met, none of it being my truly family as i have them.
1 person , i thought i have, but the truth tell the opposite site of it.
nothing will change me like this have. unfortunately, it was way to far from what i've thought.

now i have this insomnia, but i have to wake in the morning. i got to practice for sunday's audition. gosh, i need to get my self commit to what i choose.

well, love makes you stupid, love makes you doomed.

but it is what human needs, i think soon i'm going to be normal

honestly for dedicated person

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it.
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder,
or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble, I understand if you
Can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet, which I'm sure we will
All that was there, will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on...

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be


i don't exactly know what was happening today. it just felt like, i pass this day with lost of grievance , and actually i was the one who keep grieving. i felt lost, losing, it didn't go so well.
start with this morning, when i realize, my face is so ugly, i can't see any life in it, somehow it looked like im a living zombie, well, it was felt when i look deeply in the mirror.
second, i went to the class, just by the time i arrived, and i sat on the chair, i almost spent the lecturing hour with sleeping. gosh, i felt terrible, why did i always feel so much sleepy this recent days?
third, i made my self clear that i need to eat, because my body started to fight the way i reduce my daily meal, whats wrong with me anyway?
okay, this happened a lot before, and basically i don't intent to change this habit, yet.
and then things happened as i wasn't expected any of that, making me feel so much worse, i got this bad mood came in sudden and pull me out from the fun as i had the day before.

after that, i just felt tired with anything i saw, and anything i did just felt so weird and so wrong.

finally, this night, i was doing a little help for my friend , which end up making me even worse, it makes me sad, it complete the bad time i had for this day. i cried, i mad, i cursed a lot.

now, i need to sleep. since i don't have any support from the person i used to hoping to give, i must stand on my own as i had years before.

independence, i guess its the only thing would make me live.

night. big day tomorrow, i need to use all of my strength. hope it'll be useful


because you're totally unknown, and your life seems like a sky, you flew and blew you never stop

you jump you fall

you risk

you torture

you are who you are

no matter happened, mind never lies, lets just put our life fast forward to other part


how if you find out a secret that totally ruined your day, your heart, your life, but you are sure that it wasn't true, but you didn't know how to find it out. what would you do? what would you try to do ?

how if you feel like you know someone, you feel like you know her/him like a lifetime, even thou you only know her/him like only from yesterday, and you fall for her/him but you didn't sure how to show it because you took a wrong action from the first time. what would you do? how would you tell it?

how if the person you loved dump you because he/she so much care about you but you didn't look like you care and you just ruined your own image until you found out that they tired and even hated you but he/she didn't tell you about what he/she think or feel about your mistake? what would you do? will you apologize?

back to the first question, what if the person you loved had that torturing secret, but you found out from other person, and you absolutely didn't know how to find that out, but you are really really curious about the truth, will you ask straight to him/her, will you believe in anything he/she say?

there's too much question i had, and this is for a person that totally special in my daily life, for this present day.

why would human had this feeling? it is so f*cked up for my heart.


Hey there !

Hey guys, its been a long time for my absence updating my post. well, i was kinda busy with some stuff, actually i did plan to write about the Lebaran holiday we had (19-27 september) but i just lost my enthusiasm when i faced my lovely McBlake ( my laptop ).

so i guess i'll just catch up my missing stories , rite guys.
oia, i feel like to write again after i read this post from my cousin, it encourage me to write again. hehehe feel free to visit her here.

so, where do i have to start?


lets start from the beginning of the holiday.
i went back to Jakarta on 17th september because i had no class on Friday, after i finished Thursday class, i jumped and rushed back home with my friend.
so we arrived in Jakarta in the afternoon, but i stayed to company Ajeng until she had to catch up her parents somewhere i forgot. hehe

then i went back by TransJakarta, carrying heavy stuff, because i thought spending 1 week would need much stuff to spend with. it was too heavy that i hurt my arm because i kept carrying with my left hand, not switching even just a moment.

when i arrived, it was kinda late, so i only hug my mom, cause my dad's already sleeping.

lets skip till the day after, i spent the day doing nothing, but then i went to senayan city with boncel ( hmm was it the day after of what day , i forgot already ). yea anyway, i went with his brothers too. also i met jason there, he said he was only going to eat, and killing time so i company jason for a while.

okay. lets skip again till the day of my departure to Semarang.

Saturday, we went early in the morning. we used to left like 3 a.m but because we actually haven't done much preparation the day before, it was delayed like till 5 or 6 a.m then we went and hit the road.

it was still early in the morning that we thought we wont catch any traffic jam. but after we drove along , somewhere i dont know the name, the road was split and there were much of policeman redirecting our way, till we had to head off Cilenyi , ( was that the name? haha ) we actually may drove in Cikampek if we wait 1 hour later. yea, it wasn't our luck to go by there.
And because we went by Cilenyi , we were stuck in the the middle of nowhere for about more than 12hours. It was so much suck. the sun up high and it felt like we've been roasted by the heat. oh i hate that crowd.

lets skip again till we arrived in Semarang. we stayed at hotel horrison, and we did have a great lebaran celebration along with my mom's family, also we visited dad's family to the day after.

me and my sister had a great quick photo shoot in taman makam pahlawan, actually we did that every year, but this time, my sister really prepared for the photo shoot.

here's some of the photo

after that photo shoot session, i took a few pictures when we visited the (hmm i dont know how to write the name, hehe) as i remember it was named as san pok kong temple. i know, i must have wrongly remember the name. kakkaa

here's the picture

not much thing we did in Semarang, and after we went back to Jakarta, i also didn't spend much time to go hanging out with my old friends.

After I went back to Bandung, the routine started again, and there comes the boringness.
well, this is life i have chosen to have.

gotta do what i have to do.

see ya guys in other post