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hey there.

just lying around not because there's nothing to do, but just because your body cant afford to wake up and have a little activities, this killing me a lot.

i was just having a big experience, the one i would like to call near-dying experience.
so the story goes like this,
it was 3 am and i woke instantly by something wrong i felt just after i had this weird dream-well i don't exactly sure i was dreaming or not, it's just to absurd to remember.
then i tried to go back to sleep, i've closed my eyes, but then i felt so thirsty so i grabbed a bottle of water i've saved beside my bed, i drank it then i went back to sleep.
that water i drank, i can feel it in my throat. it didn't go down as i expected the way usually i drank it. i felt sick right at the moment, so i ran to the bathroom and i threw up. i grabbed a glass of water again, but then i felt even more sicker than before, so i went to my parent's room. i woke them up, then i joined them slept in their bed.

i felt something worse then ever, my stomach ills so bad, i can even heard the grumbling in it, and i started to puck, again again and again.
i don't even remember how it went so long, i just remember how nice bathroom floor was, i slept on it. how nice to hug the toilet as if i don't want to be drag far from it.

i screamed, cried, puck, all over again, i can't sleep even thou i felt like passed out somehow, i remember all the pain. pff

finally i just can't stand it, i asked to be brought to the hospital, and so then i they brought me to RS Gandaria, i was checked, and injected as i count like 9 injection, and i felt peace , finally.
still can't open my eyes, but i can breath easily since there.

straight back home, i just fell to sleep, till i woke almost night, i ate a little porridge and had my medicines, then i fell over to sleep again.

now i'm awake, i feel so much freshened , i wish i can do a lot more activity but everytime i do a lot movement, it just make me sick. so i just lay down since morning, grab a book, i wish i can have some chat, but unfortunately my messenger error somehow, hffff

these holiday i have for about 2 months, i spent it almost with pain and sickness, i wonder why was that -_-
allergic, poisoned by drugs, poisoned by food, what else ? thank God it almost over ( i wish )

well, as i said before, don't play with anykind of drugs , medicine, or even ordinary food, keep your good health and you'll do fine

i guess i'm going back to sleep now :( Tschüss


project that failed

24 JUNE 2009
it was a photosession project i made for my friend, Ratna, which turned to be failed.

my goal was, i wanted to make Ratna "girly" because she's just to handsome in other way. hahaha

i've tried to make-over her face, it was like i've changed her makeup all over again just to find the right match to show her beauty face. i thought i had, but when i started the photoshoot, turns out the make up made her even more handsome, hahaha

well, i guess there was nothing i can do to change her look.

this are some of the photos

She's handsome, right guys? hahaha


killing time :(

it has been about 6 days since i stuck at home,apparently being alone oftenly, because I'm so sick of my allergic thingy ( i started to feel tired about this sickness ).

My routine such as, i wake every 9 a.m , eat my breakfast, drink my meds, wait till everybody left the house, and start being bored all the time.

i started to dig out old stuff, dvds, books, and else. and i found this dvds, TV series, GhostWhisperer, have you guys seen it?

at first, the first, and second seasons are average for me, but it helps me kill this boring time, so i stayed watching each episodes. when it hits the third season, it much more interesting because it's not just about those ghost thingy, it became so intense with the love, life , and family. i started to love watching melinda gordon with her action, i love to see how she work things out and she had her husband supported her very much.

and, what makes me so damnly embarrassed was, in the fourth season, i cried like hell when they were about to have this having baby plan, her husband jim, got shot and killed, the scene were really touches me so damn bad. i did cried like a baby.

it was really rare to see me cry because of a movie. but i dont know, its just seeing their love bound them very tight , makes me envy them so much ( i know, i'm being hypocrite because this is just a movie ). but i think , love like that would have been so much beautiful when you have your partner's trusted you deeply, and you just cant help falling for it's comfortable love, they barely fighting.

and how the husband's ghost tried to stay earth bound to be with his wife , forever, he picked another body and stayed to life much longer, even thou he had seen the light (the path to other lifes). he chose to stay. how lovely it is.

well, i havent finished watch the whole episodes, i just cant held my tears not to fall fiercely.
i guess i have to find out how it'll end.

this is just a junk post anyway. killing time, as it appeared as it's title :D


turned to be 19 !

Hey there, finally i can write my birthday story. fufufu

So here it goes, started on 14th July ,, hm no no, started on 13th, it was Monday, i stroll along the freeway to Bandung , first task was to attend this kind of meeting that held by the Internal-member to talk about Gintre 2009's progress.
So i arrived around 1-2 pm, and i got to my new "so-called home" , i cleaned my room, prepared for the meeting, and attended it.
After that, i met Cassey, who has arrived night before with Jason, mmm i kinda forgot what i was doing that day, as i remember i just can't wait the day to change to be 14th July, because i was getting my 1st TATTOO!!

Yes, Tattoo, that was my own birthday present..

o yes i remember , that night (13th) me and my Mafioso family having this arisan, which we had delayed for about 2 times, so i called the members who was available in Bandung to come to Kobel, and we have some fun, i did win the June row. Haha :D
That night, i feel like i want to go sleep as soon as possible, but the nerves just got me 100% awake and just stared at the celling till , i don't know what time, till finally i fell asleep.
and i really woke too early on the 14th. hihihi
you guys know how did it feels, just like you're going to the 1st day of school, so much excitement, yea, kinda bit like that.hihi

14th July, we were heading to Kimik's place (the tattoo artist) somewhere in Cisitu lama -Bandung.
I talked and showed him my hand drawing - a Symbol that symbolized my religion, my family that always watch my back (thats why i put it on my back).
It's a very simple drawing, i wished Kimik would improvised it. Actually he didn't put much different from the basic drawing.
But it turns out to be a very cool tattoo anyway. I love the eye, so realistic :D
You must know this, it was not as i thought how it hurt it will be, the first touch of that i don't know alat apa itu namanya, jarum nya yg segede bagong itu lah, hahaha.
1st touch, kaget , geli, and still , cool lah.
2nd, 3rd, 4th, i just can say , "O MY GOD".
It hurts like hell (well, i'm way to hyper). No, it's not that hurt.
But, hey, no pain, no gain, wasn't it. hihi

I can't talk even thou Cassey and Jason tried to distract me from the pain, well, its impossible not to feel if anypart of your body being hurt, right?
After 1 hour struggle with the pain, finally, it's done! haha
And look at it, i'm so proud to have this on my back.

This symbol means; 4 wings as my family: my dad, my mom, Mba upie and Ichyl, always lift me up whenever i feel low or down ( i wish it's true, somehow, ichyl oftenly makes me down).
And the cross, means my religion, and the eye means they will watch over my back all the time.

After that, we went to Eji's place, which near Kimik's, we had a little chat, we ate together, than we back to our place. I tried to get some rest, but it's still hurt enough, i just stayed awake, and started to lose my energy somehow.
It was my party night.
My sisters and bestfriends already got there to celebrate it.
Kobel friends, ordered to celebrate it with JackDaniel and get wasted somehow, i wanted it, so then i bought it.

Because there were Mba Upie, Mba Icha,Bone, Kota, Athe, Jason and Cassey too, they also buy some vodka and other drinks.
Even thou that night wasn't a big party, but i did have a lot of fun, gathered with new friends and old friends , best friend and siblings, yea, there was no mom and dad, but their prayer still companying my night.

So much fun. Thank you guys if you wished something for my best. haha that's a good gift too thou
these are some photos taken by, i dont know. hehe
Jeger ya
Mill, muka jelek bukan salah gw! haha

I love you guys so much!
Sebenernya berharap yang laen bisa pada ikut, tapiiiiii... yaaaah ini uda lewat tengah malem, apa boleh dikata, pasti juga pada ga bisa dateng, jadi yang merayakan ya anak kontrakan aja fufufu

Kado nya memang ga terlalu banyak, tapi dengan berkumpul, itu udah hadiah buat gw :D ehhehe

Setelah itu, on Thursday, my sisters went home, and i stayed because i want to company Jason and Cassey to get their 2nd Tattoo.
Here are the pictures

Cassey's tattoo is her father's face
Jason's is a background for his 1st tattoo (griffin)

Nice, rite?

After Bandung-ing, i celebrate my birthday with my family, we just had dinner at KFC Blok M, unusual place as a family place, tapi yaa, jarang-jarang kan, cool banget deh.

OIA, just after i got home from Bandung, i confess my tattoo to my parents and they were cool with it.
I love you mom, dad. haha

It's healing now, and it's very itchy!
Can't wait to show it to everyone! hahaha

kidding, i just want to keep it for my self, thats why i made it hidden.
somehow, i can't wait to make my 2nd tattoo! hahaha

Need to save more money for it


things to be shared

Many things i want to write since a had a blast "turn-to-19" party nite at my new "house" in Bandung, the one called 'kobel' , fulfill with bestfriends and sisters, many things talked and shared, but haven't got the chance because the internet connection is so damn low.

So i better wait till i get home tomorrow, so many things i want to share here. I haven't edit the evidence (photos) yet, so, it is not the right timing to write those happy things i had.

I just want to say, i feel very happy, but also sad, why did i feel sad? because something slip through my mind but i cannot get the explanation of that situation happened on my birthday night.

Simply, this is just a killing time typing things, i better get to sleep soon, tomorrow will be Cassey's and Jason's day to get their "2nd" tattoo. I cant wait to see it.

Hmmm tomorrow i'll be back to Jakarta, leaving this cold comforting air, also leaving something that really did make up my day , even just by words.
I cant hope much, because i'm just no one.

Begun by feeling, left up by fear. I just cant held that feeling anymore.

I'm so much afraid.

Anyway, good night. cant wait to write my story.


a bit of lesson i got

I received this email from a friend of mine, i just want to share it with you guys, happy reading :D

Bila kita siap MENDAPATKAN, sudahkan kita juga siap untuk KEHILANGAN ?

Memang, ada beragam cara menyikapi kehilangan. Dari mulai marah-marah, menangis, protes pada takdir, hingga bunuh diri. Masih ingatkah Anda pada tokoh-tokoh ternama, yang tega membunuh diri sendiri hanya karena sukses mereka terancam pudar ? Barangkali kisah yang saya adaptasi dari The Healing Stories karya GW Burns berikut ini, dapat memberikan inspirasi.

Alkisah, seorang lelaki keluar dari pekarangan rumahnya, berjalan tak tentu arah dengan rasa putus asa. Sudah cukup lama ia menganggur. Kondisi finansial keluarganya morat-marit. Sementara para tetangganya sibuk memenuhi rumah dengan barang-barang mewah, ia masih bergelut memikirkan cara memenuhi kebutuhan pokok keluarganya sandang dan pangan. Anak-anaknya sudah lama tak dibelikan pakaian, istrinya sering marah-marah karena tak dapat membeli barang-barang rumah tangga yang layak. Laki-laki itu sudah tak tahan dengan kondisi ini, dan ia tidak yakin bahwa perjalanannya kali inipun akan membawa keberuntungan, yakni mendapatkan pekerjaan.

Ketika laki-laki itu tengah menyusuri jalanan sepi, tiba-tiba kakinya terantuk sesuatu. Karena merasa penasaran ia membungkuk dan mengambilnya. "Uh, hanya sebuah koin kuno yang sudah penyok-penyok, " gerutunya kecewa. Meskipun begitu ia membawa koin itu ke sebuah bank.
"Sebaiknya koin ini Bapak bawa saja ke kolektor uang kuno," kata teller itu memberi saran.

Lelaki itupun mengikuti anjuran si teller, membawa koinnya ke kolektor.

Beruntung sekali, si kolektor menghargai koin itu senilai 30 dollar. Begitu senangnya, lelaki tersebut mulai memikirkan apa yang akan dia lakukan dengan rejeki nomplok ini.
Ketika melewati sebuah toko perkakas, dilihatnya beberapa lembar kayu sedang diobral. Dia bisa membuatkan beberapa rak untuk istrinya karena istrinya pernah berkata mereka tak punya tempat untuk menyimpan jambangan dan stoples.
Sesudah membeli kayu seharga 30 dollar, dia memanggul kayu tersebut dan beranjak pulang.
Di tengah perjalanan dia melewati bengkel seorang pembuat mebel. Mata pemilik bengkel sudah terlatih melihat kayu yang dipanggul lelaki itu. Kayunya indah, warnanya bagus, dan mutunya terkenal. Kebetulan pada waktu itu ada pesanan mebel. Dia menawarkan uang sejumlah 100 dollar kepada lelaki itu. Terlihat ragu-ragu di mata laki-laki itu, namun pengrajin itu meyakinkannya dan dapat menawarkannya mebel yang sudah jadi agar dipilih lelaki itu. Kebetulan di sana ada lemari yang pasti disukai istrinya. Dia menukar kayu tersebut dan meminjam sebuah gerobak untuk membawa lemari itu. Dia pun segera membawanya pulang.

Di tengah perjalanan dia melewati perumahan baru. Seorang wanita yang sedang mendekorasi rumah barunya melongok keluar jendela dan melihat lelaki itu mendorong gerobak berisi lemari yang indah. Si wanita terpikat dan menawar dengan harga 200 dollar. Ketika lelaki itu nampak ragu-ragu, si wanita menaikkan tawarannya menjadi 250 dollar.
Lelaki itupun setuju. Kemudian mengembalikan gerobak ke pengrajin dan beranjak pulang. Di pintu desa dia berhenti sejenak dan ingin memastikan uang yang ia terima. Ia merogoh sakunya dan menghitung lembaran bernilai 250 dollar.
Pada saat itu seorang perampok keluar dari semak-semak, mengacungkan belati, merampas uang itu, lalu kabur.

Istri si lelaki kebetulan melihat dan berlari mendekati suaminya seraya berkata, "Apa yang terjadi? Engkau baik saja kan ? Apa yang diambil oleh perampok tadi?"
Lelaki itu mengangkat bahunya dan berkata, "Oh, bukan apa-apa. Hanya sebuah koin penyok yang kutemukan tadi pagi".

Memang, ada beragam cara menyikapi kehilangan. Semoga kita termasuk orang yang bijak menghadapi kehilangan dan sadar bahwa sukses hanyalah TITIPAN TUHAN. Benar kata orang bijak, manusia tak memiliki apa-apa kecuali pengalaman hidup. Bila Kita sadar kita tak pernah memiliki apapun, kenapa harus tenggelam dalam kepedihan yang berlebihan ?
Have a positive day !

Kekuatan terbesar yang mampu mengalahkan stress adalah kemampuan memilih pikiran yang tepat.
Kita akan menjadi lebih damai bila yang kita pikirkan adalah jalan keluar masalah.


satu kata terus muncul tak tertata

mengilhami sebuah pikiran yang dulu nya jauh dari bermain kata pujangga

satu persatu harapan yang ada dihadapan, tak kunjung didapatkan karena kebohongan

bahkan menghilang entah tertelan

apa yang salah di diri itu?

tidakkah ada seorang makhluk yang ingin berubah?

makhluk hina namun menyimpan kualitas

itulah sebenarnya yang di inginkan

bukan sesuatu untuk didapatkan namun sesuatu yang harus diwujudkan

tak kunjung sesal oleh perlakuan, mengikrari segala janji manis yang diucap namun perbuatan penuh penyesalan

kehilangan dan terus kehilangan - selamanya kehilangan

akankah makhluk itu bertahan? mungkinkah dia akan mengubah satu titik di dalam kerusakan itu?


I just got this sentence from my chat with Dayu just this hour.

"mennunjukkan sisi sweet girl and ur inner rebel"

that's ROCK ! hahaha
Beberapa hari lagi menuju hari dimana gw akan melakukan hal yang benar-benar harus dipikirkan untuk impact nya seumur hidup. Hahaha
I just can't wait to have that.

13 JULI !! well, it's not the exact date i will get those HOLLY thing (fufu) but, itu hari dimana gw akan berangkat ke Bandung untuk mendapatkan nya !

Apakah itu?

Tunggu saja cerita hari gw disaat gw telah mendapatkannya, ehhehe

By the way, it's getting closer to my birthday.
19 years old, i'm not old enough, i'm still immature , but i'll think about what should i do to change my bad past to be a better future, haha

I'm going to use my talent fully useful in my new year !!

I hope so.

And, sekalian deh, actually i want to say this, just by the blog, ya kali-kali dibaca ama orangnya.

"I know that you were mad when i've done that terrible thing i've said i don't want to do, but i did. I heard it from 'the evil baby'. I once feel bad about this when i know you are actually being mad when you've said that you wouldn't care about that and you did act that you were good with it (or were i just not care whether you were being mad or not), but.. i do realize and know it's an expression that you care, so I thank you, and I apologize for my stupid decision and behavior. You're a good friend and a best friend, i just don't want to disappoint you. No more. I promise, I've struggle my self not to do those thing anymore just because i have new problems a head. I will face all my problems in a good way. Thanks for the advices, thanks for your careness. O and also, I miss you just by the day you left! you do know that. Haha. And, also, i write this in a really sobber condition. So , i do will remember that i write this for you, IF you read it ( i hope so, even maybe 1 more month from now). I love you, you're my very good friend. Take care always.Haha"

Yea, kenapa gw nulis ini di blog, karena i dont know, lagi kepikiran sekarang, maybe about 1 or 2 more hours, gw uda lupa gw mo bilang ini ke orangnya. hahaha

I can't say the name but i hope you, yang tertuju, sadar. Hahahaha



Some of lyrics i loved to read and sing by Sarah McLachlan

So tell me how do you feel it's so confusing, if you let it all go it'll fall apart.
Do you want me to stay and say i still want you ? You want me to.. Don't you ?
- Sarah Mchlachlan " You want me too" -

Truth be told I've tried my best, but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer. And the cost was so much more than I could bear.
Though I've tried, I've fallen, I've sunk so low, I've messed up.
- Sarah McLachlan "Fallen" -

Let me be empty oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight -
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
-Sarah McLachlan "Angel" -

And I don't understand by the touch of your hand, I would be the one to fall.
I miss the little things, I miss everything about you. It doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all.
-Sarah McLachlan "Sweet Surrender" -


5 July 2009

Here is my story of the day.
Remember from the last post i said i'm going to do something today .. ?

Well.. this is the report.
Started at ordinary rehearsal for this Great Overture concert coming up on August somewhen , then going to ITC permata hijau all by my self, bought new DVDs and doing a little bit window shoping (hmm at itc?), then i got home at 2 pm.

Ichyl was still sleeping somehow from last night party we had at SOHO Citos, but then i just woke her up and asked her to company me to do this today's project.



Yes, i just had my hair cut at Cyber Salon , expensive but really did worth for the price.
My idea was just, i don't want to look a mess but, i want to be extraordinary, it's in my blood, i just started to feel bored of my self because of this ordinary look. Well, my bad i guess. Hahaha

So, I just went to the salon without any plan what kind of hair style i would like to have.
Then, suddenly, i just did this talking with the "mbak2" and then, came along this idea. She started to cut my hair, and well done, it is very very NICE ! hahahhaa

Extremely COOL for me, but i don't know what people will say about this, but Ichyl said she likes it,and i wouldn't care about people's opinion anyway. hahahaa

These are the pictures of my hair look haahahahaa

this is from the right side , still look the same right ?

and this is from the left ixixixixi i love this side

And this is from the Back aheahea

and this how i look from the front

So how do you think my hair do is? ahehaehahea
let me know guys.

After i got this hair cut i stroll along with my sister, which now has kinda the same style as mine. We're sibling afterall.

We done this hang out with somekind of old Komplex friends, we had a blast night meal and night chat with them.
We're going to have next reunion sooner.

After that, we hang around Barito park to have a late night meal with our parents.

This taken by Ichyl, oo i'm a punk'er aheaheha LOL
Founding my self have spent too much useless time makes me realized i did to much grieving and mourning about my boringness of doing nothing instead only playing computer and games that really makes me retarded for days.

Being stupid, extra stupid running away from problems that found either in my own so-called home or even finding problems inside my self (means i thought i'm being phsyco enough) this kind of tiredness of the allergic sickness i have that very far away from being better, i did too much this -making my self die any sooner. Bad bad thing i've done in this holiday.

Tonight, I just met a few old friends and another friends from my friends - point is, i met this peoples, they are models, photographer, singer, musician, and else, those kind of very cool life style, the real cool people not just this ordinary new kid style or whatsoever.
They made me think, man, i have this talents, a few talents that my parents already taught me since i was a little dummy kid, why would i just screw my life because of this hedonic feeling i have just for a second - and screw my entire day, days or even a week. Being very retarded because can't focused on anything.

I need new things. Consider from my self, i'm a little experimental person.
I decided. First thing i would like to do is, I will change my appearance by the look, hair-do, or what ever i had in mind, i'll just gonna do it for some fun.

Also, i'll start to talk to my parents, maybe it'll help me find out what will i do for dragging my self from my self-trouble that caused by my own thought.
Hmm, I'm trying to discuss about what work i should try to apply in time, because i really need to raise my own saving.
I want to travel around with my own money. Also, July, many things i wanna do and get. I need more money and saving.

This is my only thought i had in my brain for this very moment.
I'm trying to get normal as normal as anybody else.
It might not seem normal for normal people, but, thats what i called "fun".Haha

Let's see what will i do tomorrow.


finally being gathered around for a few times in this week after we seperated for a long time since, me gone to college in Bandung, and Kota, stays for his study in Jakarta.

So when me had this semester holiday, we back to Jakarta, we hoped that we could find some old friends back in Warning, the one which supposed to be our second home but unfortunately now just being an ordinary warung to stop by. We can only find Kota that always stays around there, either only stop and go after he got off his campus, or just stop by when he has a date with his girl, or even killing time by playing at the Hin city (somekind of warnet-warung internet- that i've never touched). Well, actually that kind of stuff also being Jason routine.

After Cassey arrived from Jogjakarta, we did meet each other and spent quality time for like a day, but she had to pack her belonging days after because she was going to shanghai with her family (She's having a blast holiday rightnow actually, i envy). So, back to back, Jason again again and again the one to spend my day with (not everyday, but oftenly).

And so then it all started this week, Monday, I went to watch some movie with Jason, and also Kota was invited, )he didn't know that we were going to watch movie, but he already came, so what can he say, he join us.
Just before that. I did something bad.

Unfortunately i had this kind of curiousness about anything people done in this life time.
You know drugs, drinks, things that may damage and killed your self, but i don't do it actually.( I WAS NOT)

But not anymore.

I just i had this big curiousness.
Seemly like, i know some guy who did those kind of things and lately i was tempted to asked them for it.

Naa, on that Monday date day, I did one. I ate one of a drug , i forgot what its name, it didn't gave much effect to your body, you just feel like you're doing so relax, you don't feel any adrenaline rush, or somekind of like that.

That was my first time.

The next day, i was just told if i want to keep the effect for the next day, i just need to drink coffee and sodas, so i drank , A LOT.
It did work, i feel happy afterall.

The next day, still i did the same things , also, i took another 2 pills, of the same type i took on monday.
Still the same effect.

Yesterday. I took a diffrent type of pills, I started to get addicted to those kind of stuff.
Really, i do.
And this one, really had a big difference effect as the last type i took.
Very very uncomfortable feeling i felt inside my self.
I was being very-very tired like i need to sleep for a thousand years, and i did.
I went home and i cant even remember how, when i awake, it's already 2 pm today.
I slept to much. And i still felt lots of dizzy.
This kind of stuff took a lot of bad effect , you could do bad things that you wouldn't even remember that you've done it.
You may damage your brain, you forgot what you've just did, where you put your stuff, where you were heading to, anything bad. It could happened.

I had enough for now.
Really am.
I asked everyone i trusted to pull me out when i start to act that i need one.
I need their help.
I just, i dont strong enough to pull my self out.
I just have this problems and this becoming my run away item from my problems.
Its very very wrong.
I knew it.
I just CAN'T !!!!!

Just remind this.
This things are extremely BAD, so

I am embarrassed,
but this must be said to anyone.