amazed

it was easy for me to be amazed by something, someone unordinary, likely i was blinded by it.

never think of what that means, what should there be, how i'm suppose to behave or so on.

more than hundred times i was stuck in my own feeling. to much perspective i used in judging people's capability, how i see people's behavior, and other things that not common in people's eyes.

i thought something differently.. well good to be told, i am different

but something turns out badly, when i think of someone who i thought, now me deeply very very well, it just turn down on me, i would just say, stupid for them, that they do something unimportant like that. i wouldn't grief by this action they made because its just not in a proper situation.

i amazed by their thoughts, stupidly annoying but i won't matter about it, no more.

2nd thing i amazed about this kinda day, is this person.

it supposed to be called i fall for some guy i barely know.

seemly the same as what i've been through years back, i put to much interest in one guy, who i barely know, with to much excite, till , i think, being annoyance to some people. but there's no further progress that could be shown from what i've done to make a move to this guy. yea well, i've tried to be friends with his friends, i tried to bound with new people to get to know him well. but i don't really have that approach straight to the man, which clearly said , there won't be any progress if i stick in this theory.

i'm being a stalker for about over 4 months, i get to know him by his writing, by his emotion speaking in words, by people's talking, and just by seeing. lame, isn't it?

but i've tried my best to slow down, because i'm afraid i will fall in the same spot and failed with nothing

and so i check about his life every day, then i just found his blog this night. i read it, and i like it. he's so much a like with me, in my judgment , but not in his community, i guess. what i saw is that he's so much damn introvert, i could barely hear his voice when we were mingle around somehow. he laugh and act strangely as the day goes by, but still, i couldn't see his personality yet.

i know that he's a hard worker, and perfect match to what i've seeking for. to bad is just the gap that we hold, the year we entered this faculty, made a big difference for us to bound as a common friend, i just get to ashamed to be and known that i interested to this person so much.

i'm still trying to do any best to get close to this guy. whatever will happen in the future, i'll just be blessed by it.

amazed by his strange smile, i will never be able to ease his face from my mind

forever stuck and never find a way to make it happen.

lets just pray for our best

So this little story about my organization that I have not been updated. As i remember, it was about somewhen in febuary, held the inauguration of new members who counted as a member in 2009. The number of candidates who gave real surprise to us, the old members, who expected the successor of the membership number at the inauguration of this year. it was only 3 people who will be inaugurated as the new members. well, actually it was good that there are members who will be inaugurated somehow. But, anyway, there was this ordinary ceremony we were doing to inaugurate them.

look how dashing they are

Young member 2007 performed this ceremony. As usual they use our outdoor outfit, our beloved Orange Jacket. Unfortunately, i don't bring mine, and neither i used indoor outfit, i uses ordinary casual long t-shirt, sorry guys. hehe

Among, one of the 2007, perfectly tended to be the commander of the ceremony, along with Ferry who tended to be, well,( whats the word? ) - pembina upacara.

Lots of attenders from many years, not too much, but at least still there were several of still-concerned-members that joined the ceremony.

No separation between the old members ( which literally the old ones ) and the young one

After we pass this official ordinary flag ceremony, then came the inauguration time.

The three new members stepped in front of the line.

They washed down with coconut water for the purpose of baptism by the oldest member who attended and then given a scarf as a sign of the inauguration. So there they were, the new member of TRUPALA 2009. (actually i forgot the names, i'll be back for that someday)

After the ceremony finished, we gathered around , drank some "cendol" and we ate some snack brought by the committee. We chat one to another, individually, then to group of old friends, reminiscing the old memory back.

It's been to long for me to meet and be with this old bestfriends, together spending the time like there's no tomorrow, laughing our fat ass off, mingle like we don't care where we were.

I miss those time, i miss the guys.

Can we go back to that time? of course not.

I have a life here. i don't regret what i do here, now, and then.

It was just a little rewind of my old memories. It wont be a big concern. Life just goes around as it is.

but so you know, i did miss the old days

its been so long ey , i just got back with another spirits since i just lost it somehow after i lost my soul somehow.

pathetic , yes, that was the word.

you know , well, several people known how i survived in my stupid love life. i have went through some similar mistake then. and i was like repeating all over again. i realized that i have enough with my self somehow. its not that i was angry or fed up with my self, i still love my self, i just longing to have another chance , to proof my self that i can do so much better, i can avoid another stupid decision, stupid theory, i just want to feel ordinary love, which i haven't felt till now.

several so-called relationship, thou never been in a real status somehow, but i did feel love, loving, loved and whatever you want to call it.

somehow the only thing that made me feel like there's missing pieces in my daylife, its only one thing. love. never had the real thing for once.

i have much friends, i have much activity, i never felt bored, i play a lot, instead, i was too much cool with anything. everything felt like nothing was wrong, it was like it fits the way they were. to perfect till i don't recognize whats missing.

somehow, yes , i do admit what my bestfriend said, i was too much careless , i should atleast be sensitive for a little bit, but i wont change the way i am thou.

im hoping this would be the last lame post about love love things. i will come back with great experience, angry, joy, sadness, anything but blaming my self.

we should keep our spirits alive, will you? you should! :D

A latent feeling so deeply for some reason that made me not recognize and continue to deny the truth.
hundreds of days elapsed with dreams, dreams, and excitement that continues to play in the loneliness that happen every day
opportunity, it's the one that became my expectations.
time passed, the belief in the existence of something that has no end and will never end, that's what our strengths

but it turns out

stupidity happens, the unused masks finally opened, we see ourselves against and realize their own stupidity. for the wonderful things about fun, a nice thing happened in the past, is merely a disguise. you think he was kind-hearted to be a partner in this new life.
I changed
some different things you do

i prepared a speech of what happen lately , that happen to my self

but this one act that you did destroyed what i've been preparing for this kind of a suicidal talk.

i take it all back, i erased what i've saved in my mind.

would it just be over with bad feeling , tortured me like for any seconds, keeping me down little by little, slowly but harm

or will there be some way and options to make us happy and again pass our day with light happy partner or what ever that is?

i want it, but what you want, doesn't mean the one that you need.

who will be the one i needed the most? i thought you, the only one in my list. i need the solitude of your companion. i dont ask more

3rd day 2010

Heii i'm back, as i said before, i would like to tell you my new experience in this very day.

3rd day of 2010

its CYTHIA's birthdaaayyy yeeey

don't you know cynthia ? click on the name, you will see her picture with her boyfriend Sean Berger, if i'm not mistaken spelling the last name. hehehe

so, why was this day felt so much special ?

cynthia held her birthday party in her house, lots of her friends, including my juniorhigh friends came to her so called party. also her highschool friends, her sundayschool ( church thingy ) friends, the bishops , her uncles and aunties, cousins, nephews, nice, it was soo crowd there, well yeah, we didn't know each other but we get along well, we shared stories, we talked, listened, just "basa basi" if i may say.

but what make it so special ?

it came up when there was this "opening presents" time, when her father told her to get her friends, one by one, saying greeting before she opened the present from the following person she chose. one by one stand and said lovely, entertaining, funny, sad words for her. and then came the time for her parents to say their words. it was so touching till i almost , just almost cried my self out. but, yea, ja im. hehehe

and she must respond to their words,

here was the part i like the most.

she said, the very first time she arrived in Canada, she felt lonely, she didn't know anyone, she couldn't get a grip on anything because she was totally alone there.

the first thing she was trying to find was CHURCH

started from there, she was excepted by the people, who loved her because they knew that she loves GOD so much. since there , she got a very big strength to get through her life and she survives living alone, so far from her family.

also, this sentence really touching too. well, i might seen it not from "family" thing side, i was taken the essence for my love life.

she said

"you wouldn't understand what someone meant for you until you were far away from them , then you'll realized how they meant for your life, how you miss them, how you need them, how you felt that you've been loved by them"

yes, we almost did things badly to our closest person , and we realized how they meant for us when they were far, or we already lose them

ehm, somebody might understand my problem here.

well, after all, this was a good lesson for us to be mentioned by someone really close to me like cynthia. i will always remember this.

so, anyway, we grab the cakes, we drink, we smoke , talked, laughed till we found that the last group left was we, her junior high friends, Don Bosco people - that's what we've been called from the very first time.

yes, we stayed like till 12 am, it was like a little reunion we had, thanks to cynthia again, that we have this opportunity to get reunited again.

ow how i miss them so much, besides of the high school people, this were my bestfriends, back in juniorhigh. i loved to laugh and spent the time with this guys, and Mayu, ooww how we love to have her as our friend, even thou we always mocking her because of her body size, but we do love you from the bottom of our heart may :D

yes, we laugh like we don't care about anything. funny to see we have changed a lot, and reminiscing or past like, wow, have we been there before ?

so much to say, but less time we had, we were saying good bye to each other, hugs, kisses, tears, laughs we share like there wont be another time, but i do believe and i do insist that there will be another opportunity. Cynthia, you must come home next year, i hope you will for sure.

hehe

so now, i've reached my very comfortable bed, and still writing down this post.

oya, back to middle topic here, let me say this as the closing

"i realized that i was such a fool, i waste my opportunity that might have been given from what you've done to me, our remaining time still be my lovely time, even thou now you're seeing me not more just as an ordinary friend. but i would love to tell you this, you are my very best man i ever had. you didn't hurt me, my thoughts, and my perspective about us, where there were no us maybe, it's the only reason why i'm in this position now. i may act like something crazy and annoying , but it was just my curious that turns me that way. i know i'll stop that, because i wont bother you anymore. but at the very least of everything, whenever you need me, or seek me, or anything, i'll be there just like where i used to be. i wont change, you're my best friend"

just in case you read this, like unpredictable sigh , if you don't like this, tell me, i'll delete it in a second.

last word,

good night