i don't know !

i really having an absurd feeling for tonight. I cannot sleep because of a curiousness that gained by a friend of mine.

It started just when i was about to returning him home. We were talking about nothing , but then he gave a statement that surely makes me awake till now. I'm still wondering what was that all about.

Till i open this internet, i keep asking to him, still no answer.

Okay i gave up.

This man, i don't know actually what kind of feelings that i have and gave to him.

Weird and irrevocably said that i'm in love, or just care.

Started at nowhere, unknown business , our friendship become stronger.

But if i may say this is a "love-like" things, then i can't help my self around.

She, a woman that crazy in love with him, keeping me out of his range. She's afraid, of losing what she thought she has already got.

Tonight, in my car, was the last time i ever doubt that i do not love him. I DO. i really do.

Afterall, i check out a fun girl's blog. Included the name of a person i care about.

I read all about him. I felt like i was crying. I envy her situation, the situation that over come also being mine, but i can not have him the way she had. 

Apparently, because of reading that blog, i really realized my feelings on him, and i want to have him. But how suppose i say to this one mankind that overdoing of her approach to this one i love?

He's off the line, and started to steal my very mind, becoming to dream of my nite, even i can not leave the nite.

started to feel sick and hopeless, but finally i still hardly pray for something, keeping us still close and be the closest friend in the universe.

hard time to think about :(

Finally I have time to write a post again. These weeks had past unconditionally weird. There was to much things to be done, i did multitask that absolutely makes me exhausted.

Well actually those kind of assignment , and work didn't make to much worries.

What made my day felt heavy was i always thinking about friendship, relationship, and some of the kind that actually not necessary to be thought these day.

It always distract me anyway.

First of all , i want to tell you about a boy named Jo. 

I don't know how i can get to this feeling when i didn't know him at all.

It started out as a feeling i had from the very fist day i went to Unpar.

He was one of the mentors that lead on spot D, my spot.

He was charming, handsome, and attractive, and i know for sure, he is popular.

I don't know his name, till few weeks later, someone introduced me to him. Man, that was like a heavenly time, i never thought that i would have a chance to get know him.

Anyway, next important thing is, when i was in jakarta, i went to church, and i saw him in the church. It felt like a thousand birds singing and ringing inside me. We're in the same religion. Ow, i'm in love with him.

16 April, it was his birthday. The day before it,  I planned to greet him, but i don't know how.

But suddenly I don't know how, he greet me first. I'm flattered for real.

So I was courage to greet him by Facebook.

And he replied my wall. I'm happy.

But overall, i know i can't hope to much because i know we are in a different part of society.

I may only can see him from a far. At least i know that he know me :D

people's point of view ( about ? )

I actually don't know how to write this down, but i really do curious about people's view about love.

I know the love thing may defined by thousands words depends on people's thought. So then i became more and more curious.

In my point of view, love is something you have, you own, when you have someone that definitely really "IN" to your self.

How am i describe the "in" thing ? hmmm lets see.

*

Basically, by theories, human always needed someone. In reality, human really do searching for someone to company them, either friends, best friends, boy/girl friends, even husband/wife.

Let's make this simpler.

*

People's needs are different, but they have one point of goal, companion.

I may see how girls talk about "o he's so handsome.." "he's so cute" "i want to be his" and else, this is based on what i feel too. Hehehe :D What i want to write down is all based on my opinion, my point of view, which i may say, the 1000 points of view, my ideologic, and the reasons why I'm so difficult to find a boyfriend.

*

I never describe love as a static things, it always be a dynamic feeling people have. Love is an abstract feeling. *I cannot describe about this feeling. Somehow when people talks about how they love someone, i could just say that they just care or interest on the person they talk about.

How come a person may say "i love him/her" when they just about knowing each other in hmm 1 or 2 weeks or even only count of days?

How come he/she knows that its a real feelings she/he has when they even barely know the person they interest on.

*

Here's a simple example that i thought very pity.

Once i know about this girl. She has an attractive personality, but in mean while she also has a very pessimistic personality inside her.

She's in love with someone that actually close enough to her.

Why can she just tell him that she like him, i know the guy will give a good reaction indeed.

She's just keep telling other people about her feelings without thinking about what will she does to maintain or even taking a progress to her approach.

She keeps willing and longing. But nothing.

I'm afraid if someone getting closer to the guy and the guy seems to attached to the new girl , she'll lose the guy in a matter of second. Then she'll cry like a baby for days. But that wont change a thing.

Well, i guess its all her matter anyway.

*

I found out another theory of my self. I may be in love with someone who i've been around like everyday for about a year or less. Means i may love someone who i know inside and out. I know every single story , every dark hours , all the sadness and the joyful he shared with me.

Somehow i just feel like if you want to know me well, i must know about the person first.

I just dont want to be care of if i dont feel comfort with the person.

I just want to care about the person without being disturb by what should they do to me. Let me just give and take nothing.

Normally i would realize if i had fall when i don't see him around a week and i feel a big lost somehow. That's a sign that he's the most important person that i have.

Or there may some other reason , the thing is, i need to see the person.

*

But anyways. It's only a theory, it may change by the time i found something else..

It's just so much fun knowing love condition by searching and looking at people's relationship.

I may learn to prevent bad things happening to me because of those love thingy.

Actually, many people still remind me to not fall in the same trap each time i say "i like this guy"

haha

pity me.

Well, this is the 1st part i would like to publish. Maybe some other i will write about another theory of mine. 

Tschüss

a conclusion

Today i woke up with a heavy dizzy growling in my head.

i was sick. I'm not in a good mood, our last night chat was really bad, i dont even remember what did i say. I've started some conversation with him and today i need to get it finished.

So there i was. I got to the class, i was trying to put attention to the lecture but i just cant get my mind concentrate.

I don't have the guts to say anything. But this is what i want to have, not having any relationship, just for now. Maybe not with this guy.

So then the class dismissed early, i went to see him. He wasn't anywhere. I didn't want to call him, nor text him. So i wait a little bit more. But then, finally i texted him.

And he came.

First of all, i just didn't know yet what am i suppose to say. Every word that i've thought clearly just vanished in a second.

But then i tried to start the conversation.

I tried to explain everything that i have in my mind. And he understand every word.

That was quite startled me when i know that he has the same thought as i did. ( i wonder does he said that because he just want me to be relief)

But anyway, this is the best for us, so we broke up. But we know , we'll be a better friend just now on.

Thank God, i really did relief.

its my day

im editting my last post;

"26 January 2009 or 27 January 2009"

he asked me to have a relationship

i said yes

so there i am

having a new experience in relation

would it be last?

no one will know

i called 26th is the date

hmm

am i happy ?